An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.
The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?”
The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know… the one that’s red and has thorns.”
“Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes, that’s the one,” replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he’d ever have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. He asks the bookkeeper: “Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?”
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: “I don’t know what you are talking about.”
The attorney tells the Godfather: “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.” That’s when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper’s temple, cocks it, and says: “Ask him again!” The attorney signs to the underling: “He’ll kill you for sure if you don’t tell him!”
The bookkeeper signs back: “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin’s backyard in Queens!”
The Godfather asks the attorney: “Well, what’d he say?”
The attorney replies: “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.
An Australian man has been arrested in Italy for an assault on a local man after the World Cup soccer match between Australia and Italy.
Witnesses say the Australian was 20 metres away when the incident happened.
The victim suffered a fractured skull, a cardiac arrest and has developed diabetes as a result of the incident.
He is expected to recover in a few minutes.
There was an Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn’t know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, she lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn’t know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher what She wanted. The lady got what she wanted. The third day, the poor lady needed to buy some bananas. So she brought her husband to the store …
what did she do?
What were you thinking? ? HellOOOOOOOOOOOO,
Her husband speaks English….
“The Census Bureau reported that Las Vegas is about to pass Washington, D.C. in population. Of course, there’s a huge difference Vegas and Washington. See, in Las Vegas, people gamble with their own money.” –Jay Leno
A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, “Father, it has been one month since my last confession and I’ve sinned with Fannie Green every week for the last month.” The priest tells the sinner, “You are forgiven. Go out and say three ‘Hail Mary’s’.” Soon, another man enters the confessional.
“Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have sinned with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months.” This time the priest asks, “Who is this Fannie Green?” “A new woman in the neighbourhood,” the sinner replies.
“Very well,” says the priest. “Go and say ten ‘Hail Mary’s’. ” The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men’s eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar.
Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, “Is that Fannie Green?” The altar boy replies, …………………………
“No Father, I think it’s just the reflection off her shoes”
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker comes up to the very elderly widow and asks,
“How old was your husband?”
“98,” she replies, “two years older than me.”
“So you’re 96,” the undertaker comments.
“Yes,” she responds,
“hardly worth going home, is it?”
- My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn’t concentrate.
- Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.
- Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
- Then, I tried to be a Chef – figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme.
- My best job was being a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.
- I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn’t have any patience.
- I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.
- I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
- After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian – until I realized there was no future in it.
- My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
“Forty-three percent of all Americans say that immigration is a serious problem. The other 57 percent said, ‘No hablo Ingles’.
A wife says she wants a divorce.
Husband: “But you’re supposed to love me no matter what.”
Wife: “You have me confused with Jesus.”
Some children’s bible interpretations
Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistels were the wives of the apostles.
Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.