SOBER: The condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
A wife, one evening, drew her husband’s attention to the couple next door and said, “Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don’t you do that?”
“I don’t know her well enough.”
At a fancy reception a young man was asked by a widow to guess her age.
“You must have some idea,” she urged when he hesitated.
“I have a couple ideas,” he admitted with a smile. “The trouble is that I don’t know whether to make it ten years younger, because of your looks, or ten years older, because of your intelligence.”
Two hillbillies were sitting around talking one afternoon.
After a while the first fellow says to the second, “If’n I was to sneak over to your place Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin’, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?”
The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes like he was thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he said, “Well, I don’t know about kin, but it would make us even.”
A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew Wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
“Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?” “Yes, they help me sleep at night.”
“Mrs. Smith, I assure You there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!”
She reached out and patted the young Doctor’s knee. “Yes, Dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks.
And believe me, it helps me Sleep at Night.”
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
She sleepily replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in it?”
Father O’Malley answers the phone….
“Hello, is this Father O’Malley?”
“It is.” “This is the IRS. Can you help us?”
“I will if I can”
“Do you know a Ted Houlihan?”
“Is he a member of your congregation?”
“Did he donate $10,000 to the church?”
Two guys are at the bar staring into their drinks, when one says, “Hey Harry, have you ever suspected your wife of leading a double life?”
Harry says, “Yeah, all the time–her own and mine.”
“Our wall clock almost killed my mother today!” a wife complains. “It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch.”
The husband mumbles, “Damn clock always was slow.”
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, “Doc, I think I’m getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.”
“That’s not senility,” replied the doctor. “Senility is when you forget to zip down.”
After the accident, I told the police officer I thought the driver of the other vehicle was drunk. He told me the other vehicle was a cow.
A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother: “Who’s this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?”
“That’s your father.”
“Then who’s that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?”
“President Bush just announced that next month he will host a White House conference on Malaria. Bush told reporters, ‘I’m looking forward to meeting the Malarians.'” –Conan O’Brien
Some time ago, there was this artist who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now.
As usual, his model reported and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day’s work.
He told her not to bother, that he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.
The model said “Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It’s the least I can do.”
He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps. “Oh my God!” he whispered loudly, “It’s my wife! Quick! Take all your clothes off!”
As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, “Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?”
“There’s a big fire across the street,” the doctor replied. “We didn’t want you to think the operation had been a failure.”
“Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs.” – P. J. O’Rourke
“I bought a dog the other day…I named him Stay. It’s fun to call him…’Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!’ He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.” – Steven Wright
It’s not the pace of life that concerns me, it’s the sudden stop at the end.
I bet it was really tough being an Apostle of Jesus. What if you wanted a day off?
You ring up Jesus and say, “Jesus, I’m sick today, running a little fever and feeling congested so I won’t be able to make it to today’s sermon.
What…? Say that again?… I’m cured?”
Q. What do Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason
Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman applying sunscreen.
Q. What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat.
Q. What is the English version of a hat-trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.
Q. Who has the easiest job in the English squad?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.
Q. Why is Andrew Flintoff the unluckiest English player?
A. Because he was born in England.
Q. What does “Ashes” stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.
Q. Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the English team?
A. The person who ironed the cricket whites.