The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A classic Christmas joke….
A few years ago it was a bad xmas for santa. Mrs Claus had left with a troll with a big xmas stocking, the toy making elves were on strike because the IR director had tried to put them on individual contracts, the sleigh needed new runners, the reindeers were hung over and sick.

Santa looked for his booze but it was gone, the coffee jar is empty and Mrs Claus must have taken his stash.

Santas fairly pisssed of by now, when the door bell rings, its a small tinsel angel with a big tree.

“Hello Santa”, says the angel, ( small tinsel angels can talk at the north pole ) “I’ve got you a wonderful xmas tree, where would like me to stick it ?”

Which is why there is always an angel on the top of xmas trees.

Waiter: “Tea or coffee, gentlemen?”

1st customer: “I’ll have tea.”

2nd customer: “Me, too. And be sure the glass is clean!”

(Waiter exits, returns)

Waiter: “Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?”

It was mealtime during our trip on Qantas. “Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me.

“What are my choices?” he asked.

“Yes or no,” she replied.

The rather large and lazy King of an idyllic Pacific island nation was a tyrant. While his people enjoyed a simple, poor but comfortable lifestyle he wanted more.

The King instructed his people to work day and night to construct the largest grass ceremonial grass hut in all the land. He then had them cut down the best timber to make and handcarve large thrones for himself, his four wives and numerous children. From his throne he ruled and gave constant orders to his people who had to work day and night and they remained very unhappy.

One day a ferocious storm hit the island. Lighting crashed; thunder roared. At the height of the storm a thunderbolt smashed into the grass hut striking the King dead, destroying the grass hut and strewning the large and smaller thrones across the land.

The islanders saw this as a sign from their god, rejoiced , and returned to their idyllic lifestyle beside the beach, fishing, eating coconuts and just lazing in the sun and soon forgot about the King.

The moral of the story is– …….People in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

“Mel Gibson’s ‘Apocalypto’ is a big hit. The movie is in ancient Mayan. If I want to see a movie that is in an incomprehensible language I’ll just go see ‘Rocky’.” –Dave Letterman

My mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.”

I said, “Just wait.” —Judy Tenuta

A bunch of Basque separatist guerillas where holed up in a building, but someone ratted on them.

When the police came, instead of spreading out and escaping through different gates, their leaders told them to all head for the back door – where they all got captured.

Which shows that you should not put all your Basques in one exit.

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day.

Mick, the bartender says, “You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight. Paddy replies “OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then.”

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.Shoite” he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. “Shoite, Shoite!

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement and falls flat on his face.

“Bi’Jesus… I’m done in, done in,” he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says “No freakin’ way”.

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door hauls himself up the door frame and says “I can make it to the bed.”

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says “Frak it” and crawls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, “Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?”

Paddy says, “I did Jess. I was freakin’ pissed. But how’d you know?””

Mick phoned,……. You left your wheelchair at the pub.”

Mrs. Johnson decided to have her portrait painted by a very famous artist. She told the artist, “Paint me with my 3-carat diamond earrings, a large Diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful red ruby Pendant.”

“But, ma’am, you are not wearing any of those things.”

“I know,” said Mrs. Johnson. “My health is failing and my husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die I’m sure he will marry her, and I want the b i t c h to go nuts looking for the jewelry.”

A blonde woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Christmas stamps?”

The clerk says, “What denomination?”

The woman says, “God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.”

As a mother was bribing her little boy with a dollar so he would behave, she said, “Why do I always have to pay you to be good; why can’t you be good for nothing like your father?”

I’ve been feeling down for so long that I finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

I went there, laid on the couch, spilled my guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make me feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes and sat thinking for a few minutes, nodding his head.

Finally, he looked up at me and said in conclusion, “Ummmm, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers.”

I disagree with my psychiatrist’s assertion that I’m depressed because I have a serotonin imbalance. I’m pretty sure the real reason is: My life sucks.

“President Bush’s Presidential Library is going to cost $500 million. That’s $100 million per book.” –Conan O’Brien

A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past a row of empty shopping trolleys when a woman standing there called after him, “Excuse me, did you want that trolley?” “No,” he answered. “I’m only after one thing.”

As he walked into the store, he heard her murmur, “Just like a man.”

A very shy guy goes into a tavern and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally walks over to her and asks tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

She responds by yelling at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed, and so he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean two hundred dollars?”