A young Native American woman went to a doctor for the first physical exam of her life.
After checking all her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, “Well, Running Doe, you’re in fine health.
I could find no problems with your health, but did notice one abnormality.”
“Oh, what is that, Doctor?”
“Well, you have no nipples.”
“None of the people in my tribe have nipples,” she replied.
“That’s amazing!” said the doctor.
“I’d like to write this up for The American Journal of Medicine, if you don’t mind”
She said, “I guess, if you’d like to do that, it’s fine with me.”
“First of all” asked the doctor, “how many people are in your tribe?”
She answered, “Approximately 500.”
“And what is the name of your tribe?” asked the doctor.
Running Doe smiled and replied, “We’re called…The Indiannippleless Five Hundred.”
Little johnny asked his grandma how old she was.
Grandma answered, “39 and holding.”
Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, “and how old would you be if you let go?”
A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates.
When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, “don’t pay for me daddy. I’m under five”
“Oh, I sure am happy to see you,” the little boy said to his grandmother on his mother’s side.
“Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.”
The grandmother was curious. “What trick is that?” she asked.
“I heard him tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit” the little boy answered.
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol.. he squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
I was not so pleased. I turned to mom and said, “I’m surprised at you. Don’t you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?”
Mom smiled and then replied….. “I remember.”
“My parents told me,
‘Finish your dinner. People in China and India are starving.’
I tell my daughters,
‘Finish your homework. People in India and China are starving for your job.'” –Thomas Friedman
Think about this one…
Next month on the 4th at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06.
That won’t ever happen again in our life time.
Things that only woman understand:
- Cats/dogs facial expressions
- The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
- Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds
- Fat clothes
- Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
- The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
- Cutting your curls to make them grow
- Eyelash curlers
- The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her
husband, “You need a piece of tail.”
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, “Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite”
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table.
“Young man, we’re both 90 years old,” the husband said. “We may not have 45 minutes.”
They were seated immediately.
How to treat a Woman:
Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her.
Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Pray for her.
Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her
flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to
the ends of the earth and back again for her.
How To Treat a Man:
Show up naked. Bring beer.
A real life story This is a really funny story that is actually a true one courtesy of one dear friend (not blonde either)â€¦â€¦..
A couple who are friends of mine had a little kitten that they were just doting over & wanted to give it nothing but the best, so off they went to the butchers to get some meat for it.
The male partner of the two was asking the butcher what would be the best meat to buy for it. The butcher enquired as to how old the kitten was, to which he replied 2 months old, his female partner looked at him in horror & said very seriously â€˜donâ€™t be so stupid Dwayne heâ€™s only eight weeks oldâ€™, male partner said the look on his & the butchers face was priceless & they both couldnâ€™t speak for a while.
She was later told that there is no difference between 8 wks & two months, she did see the funny side of it eventually but never did return to that butchers shop!
Apparently, this is the most popular screensaver in the US.
Hope you get a laugh from it. If he gets stuck, just move him with your cursor.
Words that really should exist:
- Iceburg: an uppity, snobbish neighborhood.
- Jobsolete: a position within a company that no longer
- Knewlyweds: second marriage for both.
- Lamplify: turning on (or up) the lights within a room.
- Mandals: sandals for men.
- Nagivator: someone who constantly assists with driving
directions in an overly-critical manner.
- Obliment: an obligatory compliment.
- Pestariffic: adjective describing a particularly pesty
- Qcumbersome: a salad that contains too many cucumbers.
An investor received a notice from the ATO (Australian Tax Office) that he was to be audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours waiting for any questions while the ATO auditor pored over them.
Finally the auditor looked up and commented, “You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.” “Why would you say that?” replied the investor.
“Because you’ve made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career.”