Friday Funnies – Final Day at TUMONZ

Stress Buster No. 12.

Step outside yourself

Think of someone you know who needs a cheer up, (family, friends or colleagues). and forward the Friday Funnies by email. Or print out and send the old fashioned way if they are not connected to the net.

“This is a weird story. President Bush has apologized today for scolding a member of the White House press corps for wearing sunglasses because he found out the reporter is legally blind. …Bush also apologized for telling physicist Stephen Hawking to ‘get off your lazy ass.'” —Conan O’Brien

Little Davie’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station, where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

“Yes,” said the policeman. “The detectives want very badly to capture him.”

Little Davie then asked, “Well why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”

“I am a deeply superficial person.” —Andy Warhol

I was the nurse caring for a couple’s newborn first child, a son, after his cesarean birth. Since the mother was asleep under general anesthesia we took our tiny charge directly to the newborn nursery to introduce him to his daddy. While cuddling his son for the first time, he noticed the baby’s ears conspicuously standing out from his head. He expressed his concern that some kids might call his son names like “Dumbo.” The pediatrician reassured the new dad that his son was healthy, the ears could be easily corrected during childhood.

The father still worried about his wife’s reaction to those large protruding ears. “She doesn’t take things as easily as I do,” he worried.

By this time, the new mother was ready to meet her precious son. I placed the tiny bundle in his mother’s arms and eased the blanket back so that she could gaze upon her child for the first time.

She took one look at her baby’s face and looked to her husband and gasped, “Oh, Honey! Look! He has your ears!”

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, “Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids….”

Q. Use the word “judicious” in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face

Long, unproductive meetings are often the bane of corporate life. My very funny boss at the software company where I work has come up with what just might be the perfect way to cut business conferences short before they start rambling out of control. There comes a time when he announces, “All those opposed to my plan say, ‘I resign.'” End of meeting.

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, “Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis.

“My son has a new nickname for me, ‘Baldy.’ I’ve got a new word for him… ‘heredity.'” –Dan Savage

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

Ten Things a Mom Doesn’t Want to Hear

  1. I swallowed a goldfish.
  2. Your lipstick works better than crayons.
  3. Does grape juice leave a stain?
  4. The principal called…
  5. But DAD says that word all the time.
  6. What’s it cost to fix a window?
  7. Has anyone seen my earthworms?
  8. I painted your shoes pretty, huh Mommy?
  9. The dog doesn’t like dressing up in your clothes.
  10. I’m moving out.

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair — given that you are blind — that you should know five things:

  1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
  2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
  3. I’m a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
  4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
  5. The lady to your right is blonde and professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, “No. Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

“She thinks that tactics are a new kind of breath mint.” –Billy Connolly

“Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.” –Bill Cosby

One day in heaven, Jesus’ secretary walked into his office and said, “Sir, now look, I think you have been working too hard. I don’t mean to be bossy, but I think that you ought to slow down, do a little PR, get out and meet your people – let them see you and get to know you. I think that it would do you a world of good.”

Jesus agreed, closed up his books, shut his computer files, and started walking down the streets of gold. He was having a great time, shaking hands, swapping stories, signing autographs. Then from a side street he heard a stead rip-saw, rip-saw noise and upon closer examination saw sawdust floating out of a window. He walked to the window. Inside he saw a bearded carpenter working at his carpenter’s bench in a fever, his face dripping perspiration, his hands and arms covered with sawdust.

Jesus walked inside. “Sir,” he said in that calm, resonant, voice, “why do you labour so? This is heaven – your reward. You can rest here and take it easy. Your days of hard labour and toil are behind you.”

“If you don’t mind, I’ll keep sawing,” the man said, “and I’ll tell you why. You see, I had a son on earth whose birth was a miracle. I haven’t seen him since he died. Now, he knew I was a carpenter, and, my eyesight not being what it used to be, and heaven being such a large place, I figured it might take me an eternity to find him. But I thought if I made enough noise doing my carpentry work, he might hear it and find me.”

A look of recognition came upon Jesus’ face, and the carpenter saw it and stopped sawing. He stared at Jesus quizzically, his eyes beginning to mist with wonder and awe. Their eyes locked. Jesus said, “Father?”The carpenter said, “Pinocchio?”