Stress Buster No. 15
Go for colour.
Why do so many people wear black? Avoid black, grey and brown, those colours might look smart but won’t enhance your mood. Wear red, yellow, green, blue and pink to lift your mood, choose colours that make you smile.
The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her now ex-husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper.
"Honey," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to retire six over- aged destroyers."
To which the husband replies, "Oh…I’m sorry to hear your mother will be out of work."
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table.
Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her: "Hello. How are you? We’ve been waiting for you. Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love." The woman correctly spelled "l-o-v-e," and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About two years later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I’m surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
"I guess you heard, there’s a huge problem with the Russian space station. The computers failed. The whole computer system went down. Pretty scary. But they’re hoping they can fix the problem and call tech support when they fly over India." -Jay Leno
What do you call two full beers occupying both hands of a person?
Irish handcuffs.
What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A feminist who won’t do what she’s told.
"Scientists in Japan have developed an umbrella that has Internet access and allows users to search the Internet while they walk. An electronic device that you carry in a rain storm. What could possibly go wrong?" -Conan O’Brien
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a handsome, retired Firefighter in his sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I’m not going to sugar coat it, this is one ferocious lion. He killed my last tamer so you guys better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment — chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to go first?"
She walks right past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles, finally resting his head at her feet.
The circus owner’s mouth is on the floor. He says, "I’ve never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the firefighter and asks, "Can you top that?" The tough old smoke-eater replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
"More problems today for Paris Hilton in prison. Apparently she saw another woman wearing the exact same outfit that she had on." -Jay Leno
When a woman wears leather clothing…
A mans heart beats faster… His throat gets dry… He goes weak at the knees… And he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?
Because she smells like a new ute.
Dan went to his appointment with the urologist. In the examining room he told the doctor, "Don’t laugh!"
"Of course I won’t laugh," the doctor said."I’m a professional. In more than twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Dan said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest ‘willie’ the doctor had ever seen. It wasn’t any bigger than a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing hysterically. Five minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I’m so sorry," he said. "I really am. I don’t know what came over me.
On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won’t happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?"
"It’s swollen," Dan replied …
It’s the international T-V challenge "Mastermind of the World 2007". The finalists, in their respective sound-proof booths are an American, an Englishman and an Irishman.
The compare turned off the sound to the Englishman & Irishman, and said to the American, "For Mastermind of the World 2007, complete the saying and spell the word: "Old McDonald had a …."
"Ranch," said the Yank. "R..A..N..C..H"
Well, the judges considered and eventually decided to allow the answer as "that’s what they call them over there". "Ding"
Off went the sound to the Yank, and on came the the Englishman. "For Mastermind of the World 2007, complete the saying and spell the word: "Old McDonald had a …."
"Estate," said the Pom. "E..S..T..A..T..E"
Once again the judges had to consider and allow the question because "we gave it to the Yank". "Ding"
Finally the Irishman’s sound was turned on and the question repeated. "For Mastermind of the World 2007, complete the saying and spell the word: "Old McDonald had a …."
"Farm," said Paddy, really pleased with himself. "E..I..E..I..O"