We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance.
At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day.
He began by asking, “Does anyone know what the bishop does?” There was silence. Finally, one little boy answered gravely, “He’s the one you can move diagonally.”
I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, ‘Are you having it catered’?
And that, my friend, is the definition of ‘OLD’!
You’ve got to love talk back radio.
You never know what you are going to hear next.
I was listening to the radio this morning when the Host invited callers to reveal the nicknames they had for their wives:
Best call was from the chap who called his wife “Harvey Norman” – explaining .
“Absolutely no interest for 36 months” (Harvey Norman is a retail store)
A woman went to the doctor’s office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
“What’s the matter with you?” the older doctor demanded. “Mrs. Terry is 61 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”
A four-year-old was showing a little friend the family photos that covered one wall in their basement. Out of sight but not out of earshot, her mother overheard her say, “Here’s a picture of my mommy when she was a little girl. I wasn’t there, but people say she used to be nice.”
Back in the days of the Roman Empire, the famous Emperor Nero instituted a new game. The players would take those little disks you set your glass on in order to protect the furniture, and see who could get the most distance rolling them across the floor.
They were the first roller coasters. Back in those days, the disks were made of iron, and they would bet on whose disk would roll the farthest.
They called them ferrous wheels.
A young fella goes to see his doctor for a check up…this done he goes home.
A very close and good friend goes to visit him to find out how he got on.
“How did you go at the doctors mate?” he asked.
“He told me I’ve got the big ‘C’.” was the reply.
“Geez mate, cancer?” asked the friend.
“No, Dyslexia.” replied the young fella.
A group of tourists were watching the re-enactment of an ancient Egyptian religious ritual. One turned to a nearby local, pointed to the statue that was being praised and asked, “Pardon me, but what was the name of that god supposed to be?”
“Why do you ask?” the man replied.
The tourist shrugged. “Just idol curiosity, I guess.”
Two snakes were crawling along when one snake asked the other, “Are we poisonous snakes?”
The other replied, “You’re darn right we’re poisonous! We’re rattlesnakes. Why do you ask?”
To which the first replied, “Because I just bit my tongue.”
A man goes into a pet store and asks the clerk, “Do you have any dogs that go cheap?”
The salesman says, “No, we have birds that go cheep. Our dogs go BARK!”
Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar…
Tiger turns to Stevie and says, “How’s the singing career going?”
Stevie replies, “Not too bad. How’s the golf?”
Woods replies, “Not too bad, I’ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I’ve got that right, now.”
Stevie: “I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it . Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.”
Incredulous, Tiger says, “You play GOLF?”
Stevie: “Yes, I’ve been playing for years.”
Tiger: “But — you’re blind! How can you play golf if you can’t see?”
Stevie: “Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.”
“But, how do you putt” asks Tiger.
“Well”, says Stevie, “I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.”
Tiger: “What’s your handicap?”
Stevie: “Well, actually — I’m a scratch golfer.”
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, “We’ve got to play a round sometime.”
Stevie: “Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?”
Woods thinks about it and says, “I can afford that; OK, I’m game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?”
Stevie: “Pick a night.”
Why do Irish doctors make lousy lovers? They wait for the swelling to go down.
After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full.
Q: Did you hear about the psychic midget who escaped from jail?
A: He became a Small Medium At Large.
Q: What did the curtain say to the wall?
A: I’m tired of hanging around all day.
Q: Why was the sick man arrested in his car?
A: For Driving Under the Influenza.
Q: What are two things you don’t eat for breakfast?
A: Lunch and dinner.
Q: Why did the music teacher get locked in his classroom?
A: His keys were inside the piano!
Q: What did one skunk say to the other skunk when they were cornered?
A: “Let us spray.”