Bob moved in with his girlfriend and her enormous collection of old magazines. They took up an entire room. Her girlfriend is fond of playing online slots that is why she loved claiming slot deposit bonuses every time she encountered one.
“It’s me or the magazines,” Bob insisted. When she refused to part with any of them, Bob left. As he told his friends, she just had too many issues.
Barry calls his boss and says, “I’m having trouble with my eyes.”
“What’s wrong with them?” the boss asks.
“I can’t see myself coming into work today,” says Barry.
My husband has an elderly relative who is known to ring people at dreadful times just for a chat. The other morning he rang at 8:00am, just catching me before I left the house. I told him that my husband always left for work at 7:30 and that he had missed him. “Yes, I know that,” he replied. “But you see, I slept in a little bit this morning.”
A baby T-Rex, who was being picked up from day care, came running up to mum sobbing and very upset. Mum T-Rex asked what was wrong. The baby T-Rex said that the teacher had taught the class a new song that day and it had upset him quite a lot. The mum asked what was the song. The baby T-Rex replied, trying to perform the movements, “If your happy and you know it clap your hands”.
A Welshman, Scotsman & Irishman met at a football match. The Welshman says “my name is David, because I was born on St David’s day”. The Scotsman says “my name is Andrew, because I was born on St Andrew’s day”. So they ask the Irishman “What’s your name?” he replies “Pancake O’Reilly”.
“There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.” -Douglas Adams
A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue.
Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove home.
The last of the pun-ology
- I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx .
- All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen . Police have nothing to go on .
- I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough .
- Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes .
- Velcro – what a rip off !
- Cartoonist found dead in home . Details are sketchy .
- Venison for dinner ? Oh deer !
- I used t think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure .
- Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too .
My daughter was doing a project on 70’s rock groups and asked me to name two of them.
‘ Yes! ‘ I said.
‘ Who? ‘ she asked.
‘ There you go , ‘ I replied
We were walking down the street yesterday when a hooded youth popped up from nowhere, grabbed my wife and put a knife to her throat.
He looked at me and said, “Give me all your money or she gets it!”
I replied, “She already has all my money.”
A bikini is an outfit where 90% of a woman’s body is exposed.
The amazing fact is that men are so decent, they only look at the 10% that isn’t.
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
“You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in.
Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow push 3. When you get out, I’m on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.”
“Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?
“What …. You coming empty handed?”
A regular Friday night poker game was still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returned from he bathroom with an urgent report. “Roger, listen,” he told the host, “Walter is in the kitchen making love to your wife!”
“Ok, that’s it, guys!” Roger said. “This is positively the last deal.”
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor’s office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist’s desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother’s lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man’s, he said, I know how you feel. My Mom makes me ride in the stroller too..’
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre.
However, after planning the crime, getting in and out passed security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: “I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”
Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q: Why did the blonde throw bread crumbs down the toilet?
A: To feed the toilet duck!
Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire and a teacher?
A: A lot of blood tests.
Q: Did you hear about the alligators that joined the FBI?
A: They became investi-gators.
Q: What is a mouse’s favorite game?
A: Hide and Squeak.
Q: What did the hamburger name his daughter?