I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend, "That’s us in 10 years."
She said, "That’s a mirror, you fool!"
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We’re short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can’t give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"
I was meeting a friend in a bar and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls looking at me "Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed.
Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.
"I don’t want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they were speaking German."
Even though she had a nasty cold, my mother insisted on going to a church supper as planned. She tucked several tissues into her clothing, just in case she might need them.
During dinner, she used the two in her sleeves, and then she realized that putting the third tissue into her bra hadn’t been such a good idea. She discreetly tried to fish it out but couldn’t find it. As she peeked down the front of her dress my dad hissed, "What on earth is the problem?"
There was a lull in the conversation as Mom looked up from her neckline.
"Oh, Dear," she said worriedly. "I had three when I came in."
Years ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft —– now it’s called golf.
Did you hear that they are going to join You tube, Twitter & Facebook together to form the biggest social network site ever.
They are going to call it You Twit Face.
A guy goes into the doctor’s office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril and a cucumber in the other ear.
The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you’re not eating right."
Fifty-one years ago a man was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for him for 51 years.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying.
I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?"
She said. "No. I hate myself now."
My adult daughter when answering the phone to a sales calls says " I’m so glad you rang, would you be my friend ?. I don’t have any friends. Give me your number so I can call you.
When would you like me to call you, I don’t sleep much, so I can call you at 2 a.m. ?. I’d love you to call me, I have plenty of time. Can you call me tomorrow and the next day and the next day ?"
Of course they hang up.
If Australia is the lucky country; then why are Spain, Italy and Greece getting new Prime Ministers?
My prayer for 2012 is for a fat bank account & a thin body.
Please don’t mix these up like you did last year.
A passenger on a Southwest flight says that he once faced a flight delay just before they boarded. A flight attendant picked up the microphone and announced: "We’re sorry for the delay. The machine that normally rips the handles off your luggage is broken, so we’re having to do it by hand. We should be finished and on our way shortly."
With fire alarms blaring at my mom’s apartment complex, she grabbed her favorite bathing suit and ran out. "A bathing suit?" I said later. "Of all the priceless things in that apartment, that’s what you chose to save?"
"Material things come and go," she said. "But a one-piece suit that doesn’t make you look fat is impossible to replace."
An apparent Drunken Cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in a posh Theater.
When the Usher came by and noticed him, he whispered to the Cowboy,
"Sorry, Sir, but you’re only allowed one seat."
The Cowboy just groaned but didn’t even budge.
The Usher became more impatient and insistent: "Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The Usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but without success. He just laid there in a dazed stupor.
Finally they had enough and summoned the police.
A Texas Ranger arrived, surveyed the situation briefly, then asked, "Alright buddy what’s your name?"
"Sam," the Cowboy moaned.
"Where y’all from, Sam?" asked the Ranger.
With terrible pain in his voice, a grim expression and without moving a muscle, Sam said, "The Balcony."
Q: What did the hamburger name his daughter?
Q: How do you make a hotdog stand?
A: Steal its chair!
Q: What washes up on small beaches?
Q: Where do geologists go for good music?
A: To a rock concert!