True story
I was teaching my class a Christmas song when all their eyes suddenly looked under the table behind me. I couldn’t believe I was looking at two identical lizards about 30cm ( 1 foot) long. One appeared to be doing push-ups and the other was walking in circles.
"Look, they’re dancing to the music!" one boy yelled. Everyone laughed.
I chased the lizards out carefully with a book and attempted to continue my lesson but noticed that one little boy seemed really upset.
"Now they have to find somewhere else to finish their date," he wailed.
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but
Thank You for caring enough to call.
I’m making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the Beep.
If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men’s room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their ‘wee-wees’ to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, ‘You must be in the 5th grade.’
‘No, ma’am’, he replied. ‘I’m riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.’
An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons’?"
Martha said, "The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"
For my husband’s birthday I thought I’d give him the gift that lasts a lifetime…..a list of jobs to do around the house.
A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 20mph for it to start.
She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off.
I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.
A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 30 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions…
After Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You idiot! You’re supposed to turn your clock back!
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special target of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back."
"You’re on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let’s see what you’ve got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, get in!"
The misunderstanding came about when my wife thought that I had indicated that –"She has a face that would stop a clock."
— but was not quite convinced that what I had really said was "When I look at you dear, time stands still."
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can You tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a Coupla blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I’m the new pastor in town.
I’d like for you to come to church on Sunday. I’ll show you how to get To Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, bullshit… You don’t Even know the way to the Post Office."
Q: Why did the orange use suntan lotion?
A: It didn’t want to peel.
Q: Did you ever hear of the accountant who added up his columns of figures so queerly that he always ended with "$79.25 plus a cat," or "$1568.13 plus a cat," and so on?
A: It seems he had an "add-a-puss complex."
Q: What smells the best at a Thanksgiving dinner?
A: Your nose.
Q: What key has legs and can’t open doors?
A: A turkey!
Q: Why don’t mountains get cold in the winter?
A: They wear snow caps.
Q: Why did it take the monster 10 months to finish a book?
A: Because he wasn’t very hungry.