My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60’s group The Monkees. I thought she was joking……..And then I saw her face …
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of matches….. you should have seen his little face light up when he tried to walk on a matchbox!
True story
Years ago my darling late Dad was at a Sunday Morning Men’s Show at the North Sydney Leagues Club. As you can imagine the jokes were a little on the "Blue " side the toilets in the auditorium are located on both sides of the Stage. When in there you can still hear the show.
Dear old Dad " went " during the show. when he came out the spotlight went onto him and the Comedian on stage called to Dad, " Could you hear us in there, because we could hear you out here." being in his 70’s and feeling the cold Dad always wore a woollen scarf around his neck. The comedian not being finished with Dad called out " I like yourTartan Scarf Mate ! "
Dad went down to the stage asked for the microphone and replied " I’d rather have a Tartan Scarf than a Tart In Trouble."
which of course bought the house down.
I was looking at the pies offered by a nearby café. They had cherry, apple, berry, peach, and Herman’s.
"What type of pie is Herman’s?" I asked the waiter.
"Apple," he said.
"Then why is it called Herman’s pie?"
"Because Herman called in to reserve it."
True Story …my daughter (now in her 30’s) proudly told her grade 2 teacher ( a former school colleague of mine to make it worse ) that "Daddy was going to town to be Neutralized"
…when I called in later to collect daughter teacher was concerned and relieved that I hadn’t been too traumatised by my vasectomy…took delight in telling her I’d been Naturalized so was now a dinkum Aussie.
A gentleman in the old West was riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horsepulled up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse ulled up on the right. The man leaned down, pulled open the door, and jumped off his horse into the stagecoach.
Then he opened the door on the other side and jumped on the other horse. Just before he rode off, the passenger yelled out: "What was that all about?" The rider replied, "Nothing – it’s just a stage I’m going through."
I didn’t enlist in the Army — I was drafted. So I wasn’t going to make life easy for anyone. During my physical, the doctor asked softly, "Can you read the letters on the wall?"
"What letters?" I answered slyly.
"Good," said the doctor. "You passed the hearing test."
A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, since the politician was delayed, the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his sister.
I was appalled. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
"I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician. In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession."
Moral: Never, Never, Ever Be Late!
PARAPROSDOKIANS:
Definition: "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." i.e. "Where there’s a will, I want to be in it."
- Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’
- I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
- Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
- A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
- I’d ask God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
- You do not need a parachute to sky dive. You only need a parachute to sky dive twice.
- Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. ‘The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?’
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, ‘Wedding Cake.’
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827". Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.
The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard’s caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"I would have thought it was obvious" the caretaker says.
"He’s decomposing."
Q: What do you call a sleeping cow?
A: A bulldozer.
Q: How Do Crazy People Get Through The Forest?
A: They Take The Psycho Path.
Q: Why did the farmer name his horse Radish?
A: He wanted to spice things up!