One day a truckload of fertilizer went by this farm where a young boy lived.
The boy stopped the truck and asked the driver, "What are you going to use this fertilizer for?"
The man said, "For my strawberries."
The boy replied, "Well at my place we put sugar and cream on our strawberries."
"N.A.S.A. says they may never know where the satellite that crashed this week landed. They’re planning to wait until it shows up on eBay." -Jay Leno
Recently my husband became an Australian citizen and on the day of the ceremony our 5 year old granddaughter said to her mother "mum, where are we going tonight?" and her mother replied "well you know that Pa was born in England, so tonight we’re going to the ceremony to see him become an Australian citizen" to which our grand daughter replied seriously "Oh of course, that explains why Pa can speak English".
PARAPROSDOKIANS:
Definition: "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." i.e. "Where there’s a will, I want to be in it."
OK, now enjoy.
- Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
- The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong..
- War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don’t mind us, we’re joined at the hip. I’m John, he’s Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday, lads?"
"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, hire a car, and drive for miles, don’t we, Jim?" Jim agrees.
"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful Country…the history, the beer, the culture…"
"Nah, we don’t like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson’s beer, that’s us, eh, Jim? And we can’t stand the English; they’re so arrogant and rude, not civil and polite like us Canadians."
"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.
"It’s the only chance Jim gets to drive."
Everyone knows I’m a stickler for good spelling. So, when an associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to "decifer" them, I had to set him straight.
I wrote, "Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f. In case you’ve forgotten, spell checker comes free with your software."
A minute later, I got this reply, "Mine must be dephective."
As we hurried out of the airport, I asked my partner to pick up a box of chocolates for Father’s Day while I collected the car. She picked up one already gift-wrapped. My 90-year-old father unwrapped this and opened the box to be greeted by chocolate figurines in all sorts of weird and compromising positions. This was the Kama Sutra chocolate collection. Beware!
Dad was flattered.
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,………. ‘Ma’am,
I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.’
‘I have a better idea,’ she replied ‘Just for tonight,…… let’s pretend that we’re married.’
‘Wow!………………… That’s a great idea!’, he exclaimed.
‘Good,’ she replied. ………….’Get your own blanket.’
Here’s a "real life" humour incident from my then 3 year old son Martin.
His sisters and he had recently been having a great deal of fun bursting balloons with pins.
Uncle Trevor came for a visit next day and decided to extract an annoying thorn in his finger with a needle.
Martin rushed inside yelling "Mummy come quick, Uncle’s popping himself"
"This morning I felt that today was going to be my lucky day. I got up at seven, had seven dollars in my pocket, there were seven of us at lunch and there were seven horses in the seven o’clock race, so I backed the seventh."
"Did he win?"
"No, he came in seventh."
"Hello Mrs. Miller," said the bearded guy behind the counter at the bagel shop.
My husband and I looked at him but drew complete blanks. "I’m sorry, do we know each other?" I asked.
"Yeah, you was my English teacher."
Leaning over, my husband whispered, "Good job, Honey, good job."
Q: Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the gambling casino?
A: Because he was on a roll.
Q: How do you start a book about ducks?
A: With an introducktion.
Q: What do you call a butler with no teeth?
A: An in-dentured servant.
Q: What doesn’t a ghost need in his house?
A: A living room!
Q: What is the surest way to double your money?
A: Fold it!
Q: What’s the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman hairdresser?
A: One’s a raving showman, the other is a shaving Roman.