A true anecdote
As we hurried out of the airport, I asked my partner to pick up a box of chocolates for Father’s Day while I collected the car. She picked up one already gift-wrapped. My 90-year-old father unwrapped this and opened the box to be greeted by chocolate figurines in all sorts of weird and compromising positions. This was the Kama Sutra chocolate collection. Beware!
Dad was flattered.
"A new study found out that having money and good looks does not make you happy. On the other hand, being broke and ugly is no day at the beach either." -Jay Leno
SOME RESULTS OF THE USA RECESSION
- C E O’s are now playing mini golf.
- I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
- If the Bank returns your cheque ‘insufficient funds’ you call themand ask if it’s you or them.
- Parents in Beverley Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
- A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
- A picture is now worth only 200 words
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
There was a very gracious lady who was posting an old family Bible to her brother in another State.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the officer.
"Only the Ten Commandments" she replied
I was out at the shops with four year old granddaughter when she informed me with astonishment that she had seen a man with one leg. Conversation as follows:
Me: Yes, that happens to some people.
Grandaughter: Why does he only have one leg?
Me: I don’t know – maybe he had an accident or something…
Granddaughter (triumphantly): Yes, and his leg fell off !!
A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her walkman on her head.
"I need to take that walkman off your head," says the beauty specialist as she notices the blonde.
"You can’t! I’ll die!" retorts the blonde.
"I can’t cut your hair with the walkman on your ears!" says the beauty specialist getting annoyed.
"I said you can’t take it off, or I’ll die!"
The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and throws it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies. When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it repeating "breath in, breath out, breath in".
"My girlfriend and I are talking about getting married. She keeps asking me if I can support her, but she knows I can…she’s always on my back." –Scott Wood
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense".
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn’t know you were into earrings."
"Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
Some short jokes
A friend of mine became that upset with the Australian Taxation Office that he wrote to them to cancel his subscription and have his name removed from their mailing list.
Do paediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
A group of terrorists took a building full of lawyers hostage and threatened to release one every hour if their demands were not met.
A young lad from a prominent private school was caught shop lifting and the police were called. Do you know who my father is yelled the lad? The shop assistant lent over the counter and said, have you tried asking your mother?
George said that he stays away from natural foods because at his age he needs all the preservatives he can get.
Patrick had all his electrical cords shortened to save on electricity.
The clever Scotsman only borrowed money from pessimists as they don’t expect to get it back.
English professors love to catch the errors students make in their term papers, and they love nothing better than to catch mixed metaphors. The "friends and survivors" of Calvin College English department collected this list of mixed metaphors and posted them on their web site:
- "He swept the rug under the carpet."
- "She’s burning the midnight oil at both ends."
- "It was so cold last night I had to throw another blanket on the fire."
- "It’s time to step up to the plate and cut the mustard."
- "She’s robbing Peter to pay the piper."
- "He’s up a tree without a paddle."
- "Beware my friend…you are skating on hot water."
- "Keep your ear to the grindstone."
- "Sometimes you’ve gotta stick your neck out on a limb."
- "Some people sail through life on a bed of roses like a knife slicing through butter."
After a long retirement from films and singing Roy Rogers was staging a comeback. The performance had been arranged, the venue ready and the rehearsals were over. Roy was dressed in his performance gear and the audience was streaming in. Roy was dressed and almost ready to go on, but missing one of his boots. Panic Stations ! ! All the stage – hands were pressed into help. Eventually one of them discovered a cat underneath a chair who was chewing into the boot. The helper who discovered the cat burst into song and –
‘Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoe?’
Q: What are dog biscuits made from?
A: Collie flour.
Q: What did the salt say to the pepper?
A: "Hey, what’s shaking?"
Q: What has two horns and goes, "Oom, Oom?"
A: A cow walking backwards.
Q: Who invented fractions?
A: Henry the Eighth.