An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck…" Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked..
"To get my teeth!"
I was up late writing reports on my computer and feeling sick with the flu when I realised that I hadn’t put the aqua sheets on the line through the day. My husband kindly told me to keep working and that he would put them in the dryer then onto the bed.
At almost midnight, I stumbled towards the bedroom and was surprised to see, on the way, the sheets still dripping wet on a chair in the laundry. When I turned on the bedroom lamp I burst into laughter. My husband was sound asleep between two green tablecloths.
I have always liked the "real life" humour you include and would like to share this from our Grandson Ryan.
Not sure if Aussie terminology is the same as we have here in New Zealand but it’ll be pretty close. When he was young our Grandson Ryan loved to come and stay with us. While he was in his room watching videos one day I said to him "If you want anything just sing out." He looked at me questioningly and said "What should I sing?" Talk about taking me literally.
An elderly patient paid me a wonderful compliment. "You’re beautiful," she said. I must have looked skeptical because she was quick to assure me that she was sincere. "It’s just that I rarely hear flattering comments about my looks," I explained.
She smiled understandingly. "That’s because you’re fat. But it doesn’t mean you aren’t pretty."
"A farmer in Idaho unknowingly watered and fertilized more than 300 marijuana plants. He should have realized something was up when his alarm went off and his rooster was like, ‘Bro, I’m trying to sleep over here!’" -Jimmy Fallon
"Marriages don’t last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?" –Rita Rudner
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them ‘Can I have a skip outside my house?’ He said, ‘I’m not stopping you!’
I heard about this cowboy who walks in to a German car showroom and he says ‘Audi!’
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, ‘Nearest the bull goes first’ He went ‘Baah’ and I went ‘Moo’ He said ‘You’re closest’
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I’d been promoted.. I was so shocked I swerved the car.. He phoned me again to say I’d been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said ‘I careered off the road’
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s so tiny: you couldn’t swing a cat in there.
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said ‘Eurostar’
I said ‘Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.
Manning the computer help desk for the local school district was my first job. And though I was just an intern, I took the job very seriously. But not every caller took me seriously.
"Can I talk to a real person?" a caller asked.
"I am real," I said.
"Oh, I’m sorry," the caller said. "That was rude of me. What I meant to say was, could I talk to someone who actually knows something?"
Our cat, Figaro, comes home between 10 or 11 at night to eat. If he’s late, I turn on the carport light and call him until he appears.
One day my daughter was explaining to a friend where we live, and her friend said, "Is that anywhere near the house where the woman stands on her steps late at night and sings opera?"
Comedian Nick Helm has won an award for the best joke of the Edinburgh Fringe. The up-and-coming funnyman was given the prize by digital TV channel Dave, whose panel put a selection of their favourites to a public vote.
He won for the joke: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.. ‘Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, ‘What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, ‘Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.’
A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up my date at her parents’ home.
I’d scraped together enough money to take her to a very nice restaurant.
She ordered the most expensive items on the menu.
Shrimp cocktail. Lobster. Champagne.
I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"
"No," she replied. "but my mother’s not expecting a root tonight."
I said "enjoy your meal".
Q: How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?
A: By its bark.
Q: When two snakes marry, what do their towels say?
A: Hiss and Hers.
Q: What do you call a piece of wood with nothing to do?
A: Bored.
Q: How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?
A: By its bark.
Q: What kind of car does a Proctologist drive?
A: A brown Probe!