A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa’s room …"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog – because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disneyland !!!
"A team of British engineers have developed a car that runs on human waste. I’ll bet that new car smell doesn’t last very long." -Jay Leno
When I was married 25 years ago, I took a look at my Wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old Blonde."
"Now we have a $800,000.00 home, a $55,000.00 car, nice big bed and a Plasma-screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My Wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old Blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve your Mid-life Crisis.
I have a friend who is off to New Zealand to a (Piano) Tuner conference.
I told him that sounded a bit fishy to me.
His favourite joke….
He can always tune a piano, but he could never tuna fish….
God gave man a perfect beginning,
But man spoiled tis chances by sinning,
We hope that the story
Will end with God’s glory –
(But at present, the other side’s winning)
- JAZZ – Five men on the same stage all playing different tunes.
- BLUES – Played exclusively by people who woke up this morning.
- WORLD MUSIC – Dozen different types of percussion all going at once.
- OPERA – People singing when they should be talking.
- RAP – People talking when they should be singing.
- CLASSICAL – Discover the other 45 minutes they left out of the TV ad.
- FOLK – Endless songs about shipwrecks in the 19th century.
- BIG BAND – 20 men who take it in turns to stand up plus a drummer.
"After all the rioting in London this week, officials are worried that it could mean security problems for the Olympics next year. On the bright side, the guy running with the torch will just blend right in." -Jimmy Fallon
The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up and said, "I have to go back to the office – I forgot to lock the safe!"
The other partner replied, "What are you worried about? We’re both here."
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
The recruitment consultant asked me ‘What do you think of voluntary work?
I said ‘I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.’
I was out in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, ‘You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.’
He said, ‘No, this is for the custard.’
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me..’
I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, ‘Are you having me on?’
I said, ‘Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.’
One night, as he finished his last beer, Joe’s doorbell rang. He answered the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.
The next night, the doorbell rang, and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.
The same thing happened the next night. This time, he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.
The following day, Joe went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded.
"Not much" the doctor replied. "There’s just a nasty bug going around."
"A Burger King employee in Long Island was arrested for selling crack in the restaurant’s parking lot. Most people turned him down though. They were like, ‘No thanks, that stuff’ll kill you. Can I get a double whopper with cheese and bacon, two onion rings, and a milkshake?’" -Jimmy Fallon
A New York retail clerk was suffering from aching feet. "It’s all those years of standing," his doctor declared. "You need a vacation. Go to Miami, soak your feet in the ocean and you’ll feel better."
When the man got to Florida, he went into a hardware store, bought two large buckets and headed for the beach.
"How much for two buckets of that seawater?" he asked the lifeguard.
"A dollar a bucket," the fellow replied with a straight face.
The clerk paid him, filled his buckets, went to his hotel room and soaked his feet. They felt so much better he decided to repeat the treatment that afternoon. Again he handed the lifeguard two dollars. The young man took the money and said, "Help yourself."
The clerk started for the water, then stopped in amazement. The tide was out. "Wow," he said, turning to the lifeguard. "Some business you got here!"
Q: How do you make a butterfly?
A: Flick it out of the butter dish with a knife!
Q: What’s the biggest moth in the world?
A: A mammoth!
Q: What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?
A: Fowl play.
Q: What did the lobster major in at the police academy?
A: Claw enforcement.
Q: When do cannibals leave the table?
A: When everyone’s eaten.
Q: What’s a King’s favorite clothing?
A: A reign coat.