The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A suburban mother’s role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.

Little Donna was in the back yard filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the rosy-faced youngster was doing, he asked, "What are you doing there, Donna?"

"My goldfish died," replied little Donna tearfully without looking up, "and I’ve just buried him."

The neighbor laughed and said condescendingly, "That’s a really big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?"

Little Donna patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That’s because he’s inside your cat."

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the house of ill repute over the road.

The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.
"Didn’t I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are!"

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside.
"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"

They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.

"Ah, now dat’s sad." says the third Irishman. "One of the girls must have died."

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girl’s mom says, "Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy."

"Oh, please, Mom!" says the daughter. "If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

First I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.

I thought, ‘That’s Aboriginal.’

Then this lorry full of tortoises going to the local zoo collided with a van full of terrapins.

It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had got a job in a bowling alley. She said ‘Tenpin?’

I said, ‘No, permanent.’

Next I went into a pet shop. I said, ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’

I said, ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.’

I bought some Armageddon cheese, and it said on the packet. ‘Best before End’

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue.’ I said ‘No, just a watch.’

I went into Harvey Norman and I said, ‘Can someone sell me a kettle.?’

The bloke said ‘Kenwood’ I said, ‘So where is he then?’

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. I think he’s bi-satchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him ‘I’m frightened of lapels.’ He said, ‘You’ve got cholera.’

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.

I can’t remember his name, its P something T something R.

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and enquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he’d make a deal: ‘You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.
Then we’ll talk about the car.’

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, ‘Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.

The boy said, ‘You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair…and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.’


His father replied,
‘And did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?’

There are three guys in a boat with four cigarettes. They have no matches or anything and were trying to come up with a way to smoke their cigarettes.

"I got it!" said the one guy as he threw one of his cigarettes overboard.

"Why did you do that?" yelled his buddy.

To which he replied, "To make the boat a little lighter."

In a grocery store a cashier held up a small dairy carton and yelled to a co-worker, "How much is half-and-half?"

Without a moment’s hesitation the other cashier replied, "One."

Q: Why couldn’t the pirate get to Davy Jones’ Locker?
A: He didn’t know Davy Jones’ combination…

Q: What do you get when you cross a lobster with a baseball player?
A: A pinch hitter.

Q: How do you turn a stallion into a pig?
A: You marry him.

Q: Why did the orchestra have such bad manners?
A: Because it didn’t know how to conduct itself!

Q: Why do tropical fish live in saltwater?
A: Because pepper would make them sneeze.