A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.’
Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield .
Saw my mate outside the Doctor’s today looking really worried.
"What’s the matter?" I asked.
"I’ve got the big C," he said.
"A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself." -Lisa Kirk A teacher was finishing up a lesson on the joys of discovery and the importance of curiosity. "Where would we be today," she asked, "if no one had ever been curious?"
One child quietly spoke up from the back of the room. "Still in the Garden of Eden?"
A dying granny was talking to her granddaughter. "I may die any minute so I want you to inherit my farm including the villa, tractor, the farmhouse and all the livestock ‘ and $22,389,630.00 cash".
"WoW!!" said the granddaughter ‘Thanks granny, I didn’t know you even had a farm & all this wealth! Where is it??"
Granny says with her last dying breath….."It’s on my Facebook!
While in the checkout line at my local hardware store I overheard one man say to another, "My wife has been after me to paint our shed. But I let it go for so long she got mad and did it herself."
His friend nodded. "I like women who get mad like that."
As I was walking my 7-year-old students back into class after lunch, I overheard two of the boys talking. They were looking at another teacher opposite us who was standing at her doorway while her class lined up properly.
"I wonder what she’s waiting for?" one said.
"Probably a beer!" said the other.
- Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing.
- My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to Hoover the house.
Turns out she was a Slovak
- I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”
You are suffering form what is technically known as an Electra Complex," the psychiatrist is informing his blonde female patient. "In other words, you are in love with your father."
The blonde breaks down into hysterical sobbing.
"Now, now," comforts the shrink. "It’s not all that bad."
"Yes..(sniff)…yes, it is," the blonde gets out between sobs. "I have no chance at all…he’s a married man!"
"There’s a move to divide California into two states: the state of poverty and the state of bankruptcy." -Jay Leno
When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:
"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, ‘We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.’ But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, ‘Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.’"
One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook?"
Q: Where would you look when purchasing felines via mail order?
A: In a Cat-a-log.
Q: What kind of school does a carpenter go to?
A: Boarding school.
Q: What type of food do you eat in a Taxi?
A: Corn on the cab.
Q: What do you call a stolen sausage?
A: A missing link.
Q: What did the blanket say to the bed?
A: "Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered!"
Q: What happens when a cat eats a lemon?
A: It becomes a sourpuss.