My son has been learning to drive. He is now the driving critic.
He says, as we drive through the school zone, "You’re way over 40, Mum"
I reply, "I have been for some time…"
Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp.
He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.
This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo!
Now we’re going to have to piss in the boat."
"Democrats warned that if the debt ceiling isn’t raised, the government would cease to function. How would you be able to tell?" -Jay Leno
Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver’s license.
"Will there be any change of address?" the clerk inquired.
"No," I replied.
"Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the house."
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, ‘YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE’. He stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife, ‘From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
‘Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe…Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and do my hair?
Without even looking up from her morning paper the wife replied, ‘The funeral director would be my first guess.’
"I don’t know if you heard, but astronaut Buzz Aldrin is getting divorced. Apparently, he just needed some space." -Jimmy Fallon
Did you hear about the Indian who drank 49 cups of tea?
He drowned in his own tee pee
More for Lexophiles
- When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
- Police were called to a day care center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
- Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
- If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
- In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
- The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
- He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
- When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
- Acupuncture: a jab well done.
"Sarah Palin spoke out about Independence Day, saying that if the British had won the war, we’d all be speaking English today." -Jay Leno
A man was sitting next to me in one of the two "husband chairs" in a ladies’ clothing store.
After 30 minutes and five outfits, the fellow’s wife came out of the changing room again.
He looked at her and immediately said: "That looks good on you. Get that one."
"Honey," she replied, "this is what I was wearing when we came in."
These three old ladies and their dogs were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.
But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn’t reach that far.
Very short letters
We could have sworn you said the Ark wasn’t leaving till 5.
Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Q: What do you call a cow spying on another cow?
A: A steak out.
Q: What does a cow say when she has a cold?
Q: What fruit teases you a lot?
A: A ba..na..na..na..na..na..na!
Q: How can you tell if a calendar is popular?
A: It has a lot of dates!