- To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
- When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
- A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
- When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
- The batteries were given out free of charge.
- A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
- With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
- Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
- You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
- A boiled egg is hard to beat.
"We’re celebrating our independence from the British. I hope that in a couple years, we’ll be able to celebrate our independence from the Chinese." -David Letterman
A very lazy employee asked for a reference when she was fired. The boss thought for a bit, then wrote:
If you get Mary Jones to work for you, you’ll be very lucky.
Here’s a short and sweet one I heard this week:
Alcohol won’t solve your problems. But then, neither will milk.
"I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I’m lying on the couch and can’t reach the remote, I think, ‘Boy, a kid would be nice right now.’" –Kathleen Madigan
My broker called me this morning and said, "Remember that stock we bought and I said you’d be able to retire at age 65?"
"Yes, I remember," I said.
"Well," my broker continued, "your retirement age is now 108."
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.
Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I’ll be seeing him this afternoon and I’ll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."
Feeling as though he had
sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want? "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I’m just here to hook up your telephone."
A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.
"Excuse me," she said, "I’m in a hurry. Could you check me out?"
The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."
Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up. She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom. Later, when she went to inspect it, she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly.
Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains. It read, "Thank you for not looking in the bathtub."
Why didn’t I figure this one out for myself?
It’s the shampoo I use in the shower. When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body. Printed very clearly on the shampoo label it reads, "FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."
I have gotten rid of the shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish detergent. Its label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
Problem solved! Geeeeze! It sure pays to read the label!
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What’s on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started…
I found my dyslexic mate covering his dick with boot polish on the early hours of Sunday morning at the conclusion of daylight saving.. I said, “You idiot! You’re supposed to turn you clock back!”
Two green beans were crossing the highway when one of them was hit by a truck. His buddy scraped him up and rushed him to the hospital.
After hours of surgery the doctor came in and said, "I have good news and bad news."
The green bean started to rejoice and the doctor said, "The good news is that he’s going to live…The bad news is he’ll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband.
She says, "I love you so much, I don’t know how I could ever live without you"
Her husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?"
She replies, "It’s me…talking to the wine."
Q: Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends?
A: Because he’s a pain in the neck!
Q: What has 99 legs & 49 teeth?
A: The front row at a Willie Nelson concert!
Q:What do you call a haunted wigwam?
A: A creepy tee-pee.
Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Unplug it!