A middle-aged man asked the Trainer in the gym:
"IF I wanted to impress that beautiful girl, which machine should I use?"
The Trainer smiling replies:
" The ATM machine outside the gym…"
"Give a man a fish and you feed him for the day.
Teach him to use the Net and he won’t bother you for weeks."
I became confused when I heard the word ‘service’ used with these agencies:
Pay TV ‘Service’
City, State & Public ‘Service’
This is not what I thought ‘Service’ meant.
Then I visited my uncle, he’s a farmer, he was talking about hiring a bull to ‘Service’ his cows.
Suddenly BAM!!! It all came clear. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us!
A guy was driving down the motorway, in England, with his blond girlfriend and she piped up.
‘I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales’.
‘Why’s that ?’ he said.
Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says
"stit ruoy su wohs".
- A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time….
- My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
- I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
The baby pigeon said, "I can’t make it; I’ll get too tired."
His mother said, "Don’t worry; I’ll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine."
The baby started to cry.
"What’s wrong?" said the mother.
"I don’t want to be pigeon towed!"
Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of Furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could Find.
After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a Line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new Acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite Crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the House.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked Him something in French (which Murphy couldn’t understand); so he motioned To the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her In English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of Trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a Wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine For her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, And drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the Bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic Music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They Danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a Four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was In the furniture business.
At the busy dental office where I work, one patient was always late. Once when I called to confirm an appointment, he said, "I’ll be about 15 minutes late. That won’t be a problem, will it?"
"No," I told him. "We just won’t have time to give you an anesthetic."
He arrived early.
At a workshop on dog temperament, the instructor noted that a test for a canine’s disposition was for an owner to fall down and act hurt. A dog with poor temperament would try to bite the person, whereas a good dog would lick his owner’s face or show concern.
Once, while eating pizza in the living room, I decided to try out this theory on my two dogs. I stood up, clutched my heart, let out a scream and collapsed on the floor.
The dogs looked at me, glanced at each other and raced to the coffee table for my pizza.
A young engineer was leaving the office at 5.45 pm when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?”
“certainly” said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
“excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “ I just need one copy.”
LESSON: Never, never, ever assume that your boss knows what he’s doing.
Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went to my mother to complain. Trying to console me, my dad said that men are not all like this all the time.
"Nonsense," I said, inconsolable. "Men are good for only one thing!"
"Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you have to parallel park?"
A young lady was a theatre major applying for fall semester classes. At the end of the busy day she goes back to her dorm and enters in a huff of anger.
"What’s wrong, Shelly?" Asks her roommate.
"Well, all the acting classes are filled. I couldn’t even get into Mime class."
"How should I know? You can’t get a word out of those people!"
Q: What rock group has four men who don’t sing?
A: Mount Rushmore.
Q: Why didn’t the oyster share the profits from his pearl?
A: He was shellfish.
Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A: He wanted cold hard cash!
Q: How much money did the pirate pay for his ear to get pierced?
A: A buck an ear!