Taken from a question and answer style internal news story following the Canterbury earthquake in February.
“Two chaps were walking towards me down Hereford street in the direct aftermath of the earthquake. One of them looked devastated, and his mate was consoling him with the words “You’ll just have to get used to it, she’s just not interested in you”!”
And here a true story dating back to a Sunday about 1988 in the church yard of Trinity Lutheran Church in East Melbourne of which I happened to be the minister at the time:
Our 2 kids Julia (6 at the time) and Carl (3 at the time) had just attended the worship service with their mother – there was no Sunday School that day – and Carl was in tears: “Why do they only sing Hallo Julia and not Hallo Carl?”
No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that’s easy to understand.
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED. I beg to differ because, there is : …..
When you marry the right woman, you are "COMPLETE".
And when you marry the wrong one, you are "FINISHED"!
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are …
"COMPLETELY FINISHED" !!!
Yep – that’s about it!
The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.
"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool."
"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board!?!?"
Idle thoughts from wandering mind
- I had amnesia once—or twice
- I went to San Francisco . I found someone’s heart. Now what?
- Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
- All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy
- What is a "free" gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
- They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble..
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, ‘When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.’
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, ‘I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.’
The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, ‘I want you to send her the word ‘comfortable.’
The operator shakes his head. ‘How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word ‘comfortable?’
The brunette explains, ‘My sister’s blonde. The word is big.
She’ll read it very slowly… ‘com-for-da-bul.’
A quick question…
Marie’s father has five daughters: 1. Chacha 2. Cheche 3. Chichi 4. Chocho Question: What is the fifth daughter’s name? Think quickly… you’ll find the answer below.
Answer: Chuchu? WRONG! It’s obviously Marie! Read the question again.
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
A customer called our service line demanding help with her TV set, which wouldn’t come on.
"I’m sorry, but we can’t send a technician out today due to the blizzard," I told her.
Unsatisfied, she barked, "I need my TV fixed today! What else am I supposed to do while the power is out?!"
Top 10 reasons men prefer Guns over women
- You can trade your old 44 for a new 22
- You can keep one gun at home and take another when your on the road.
- If you admire a friends gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
- Your primary gun doesnt mind if you keep another gun as a back up.
- Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
- A gun doesnt take alot of closet space.
- Guns function normally everyday of the month.
- A gun doesnt ask "does this make me look fat"
- A gun doesnt mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
and the number 1 reason a gun is favoured over a woman is………
- YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN
Q: What did Tennessee?
A: The same thing Arkansas.
Q: What did Delaware?
A: Her New Jersey.
Q: Why was the blonde staring so hard at the orange juice carton?
A: Because it said "concentrate"!
Q: What does a houseboat become when it grows up?
A: A township.
Q: How do you change a blonde’s mind?
A: Blow in her ear.