Did you know that a recent study shows that 6 out of the 7 dwarfs are not happy
Sky news report. The USA have intensified their attack on Libya.
They sent in another 3 ships – 2 full of sand and one full of cement..it was a mortar attack.
In a small army camp town, a soldier was having trouble cashing a cheque. The cashier was sympathetic but firm: "You will have to have ID from some of your friends from the camp."
At this the soldier answered frantically "I don’t have any friends – I’m the bugler."
A student comes to a young professor’s office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean…" she whispers, "…I would do…anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens. "Anything??"
"Absolutely anything."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you…study?"
A very small female janitor (4’10", 90 pounds) worked at an amusement park and was told to go out and sweep up the grounds.
As she was getting ready to head out to clean up, her supervisor noticed her putting rocks in her pockets. When asked what she was doing, she pointed out that it was so windy out she was afraid of getting knocked over by the wind.
‘So,’ she said, ‘now I weigh me down to sweep.’
"A new survey found that one-third of married women with pets say their animals are better listeners than their husbands. When husbands heard that they were like, ‘Huh?
You say something?’" -Jimmy Fallon
If you start with a cage containing five monkeys and inside the cage, hang a banana on a string from the top and then you place a set of stairs under the banana, before long a monkey will go to the stairs and climb toward the banana.
As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray all the other monkeys with cold water. After a while another monkey makes an attempt with same result … all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put the cold water away.
Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs. To his shock, all of the other monkeys beat the crap out of him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys, replacing it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment… with enthusiasm.
Then, replace a third original monkey with a new one, followed by a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs. Neither do they know why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
Finally, having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold water.
Nevertheless, none of the monkeys will try to climb the stairway for the banana.
Why, you ask? Because in their minds… that is the way it has always been!
This, my friends, is how Government operates… and is why, from time to time, all of the monkeys need to be REPLACED AT THE SAME TIME.
A man walks into a flower shop and says: “l’d like some flowers please.”
Shop assistant: “Certainly sir, what did you have in mind.”
Man: “Er well I, er , I’m not sure, I , er…”
Shop assistant: “Perhaps I could help. Precisely what have you done?”
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more com- fortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judg- mental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
–Jay Leno
I was supposed to go out with this guy on Friday night. On Friday afternoon he called and said that he didn’t think it was a good idea, because he just wanted to be friends.
So I hung up and called him back. He said, "Hello?"
I said, "Hey, buddy, it’s me. Want to hear what this jerk I was supposed to go out with just did?"
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain’t been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy, "How’d you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn’t do nothin’," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got ’em."
I met her at the Civic. I’d been Holden up the bar all night and as she walked in, I looked her Rover. I thought she seemed Familia, but that was just a Mirage. She came up to me on her own Accord. I said ”Audi”, and she told me she thought I was Galant. I lied to her and told her I was an Executive. I was just being Calais. She was quite a Starlet, wearing a nice Mini, but not like that of Hunter.
Her name was Sylvia and she was a real Trooper. I’d drunk a few Corona’s when I tried to Impreza. She told me not to Porsche it. I told her I wanted to Lancer. Turns out she was an Escort, so by her standards I wasn’t that Ford. I didn’t want to pay – she said “you don’t know what you are Nissan”. So I paid. I took her back to my place – or HQ as I like to call it. I had a Bighorn and, of course, I was an absolute Legend.
Later, when there was a Prelude, I went to see if there was any food left in the Lada.
It was a great night, but I really should have worn a cond+m because you see, I left her with my Legacy – a little Bambina
Q: How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
A: With a pair of Caesars.
Q: What do you call an American drawing?
A: A Yankee doodle.
Q: Did you hear about the psychic midget who escaped from jail?
A: He became a Small Medium At Large.
Q: What do you get when you anesthetize a rabbit?
A: The ether bunny.
Q: What is the difference between a mosquito and a fly?
A: Try sewing buttons on a mosquito!
Q: What do you call a nutty dog in Australia?
A: A dingo-ling!