I was out walking with my 4-year-old daughter. She picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
‘Why?’ my daughter asked.
‘Because it’s been on the ground; you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty, And probably has germs,’ I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, ‘Mum, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.’
I was thinking quickly and replied, ‘All mums know this stuff. It’s on the Mum Test.
You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mum.’
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
‘Oh….I get it!’ she beamed, ‘So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the dad.’
‘Exactly,’ I replied with a big smile on my face.
A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing.. We’ll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend”…..
And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic ?
We’re leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up..
‘Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas..’
The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife,
She does exactly what her husband asked.
Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, ‘Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike.
He said but why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?
You’ll love the answer.
The wife replies, “I did, they’re in your tackle box”.
After a long day of work, a termite walks into a saloon and asks the person behind the counter, "Is the bar tender here?"
Cowboy: "Well, I suppose you’ve been all right. You’ve been a decent horse, I guess. A bit slow sometimes, but a decent horse, and…"
Horse: "No, you idiot! I didn’t ask you for FEEDBACK! I said I wanted my FEEDBAG!"
And remember… Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90 per cent probability you’ll get it wrong.
I’d had enough of my employees’ abusing their allotted break time. In an effort to clarify my position, I posted a sign on the bulletin board: "Starting immediately, your 15-minute breaks are being cut from a half-hour to 20 minutes."
No sooner had I plopped myself in the chair for my checkup when the dentist smirked, "Ready for your cavity search?"
Within two weeks of moving into a new house, the homeowner had to call an electrician, a roofer and a carpenter. One afternoon he returned early from work and saw a plumber’s truck in the driveway.
"Lord," he pleaded, looking skyward, "please let her be having an affair."
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
My daughter Marina worked in my law office while she attended graduate school. One morning a call came in for her. I said she wasn’t in yet and offered to take a message. The caller said she’d phone back later.
At 11:00 a.m., the caller tried again, and I reported that Marina had gone to lunch.
The last call came in at 3:30 p.m. "I’m sorry," I said, "she’s left for the day. May I take a message?"
"Yes," the caller replied. "How can I get a job with you?"
The district attorney was cross-examining the murderess on the witness stand.
"And so after you had poisoned the coffee and your husband sat at the breakfast table partaking of the fatal dosage, didn’t you feel any qualms? Didn’t you feel the slightest pity for him knowing that he was about to die and was wholly unconscious of it?"
"Yes," she answered. "Come to thik of it…there was just a moment when I sort of felt sorry for him."
"And, when was that?"
"When he asked for the second cup."
Since he runs a pawnshop, I decided to ask a friend of mine to appraise my grandfather’s violin. "Old fiddles aren’t worth much, I’m afraid," he explained.
"What makes it a fiddle and not a violin?" I asked.
"If you’re buying it from me, it’s a violin. If I’m buying it from you, it’s a fiddle."
Q: What happens to a refrigerator when you pull its plug?
A: It loses its cool.
Q: What did King Tut say when he was scared?
A: I want my mummy!
Q: Where do you go to replace a missing chess piece?
A: The Pawn Shop.
Q: What did the big watch hand say to the small hand?
A: Got a minute?