A wife and her husband attended a very important business party thrown by her boss where the husband may have had one or two more than he should have.
On the way home from the party, the woman said to her husband, "Have I ever told you how handsome and sexy and totally irresistible to all women you are?"
"Why no," said the husband, deeply flattered.
"Then what gave you that idea at the party?!" she yelled.
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
"Well, a new study has found that having a cat makes you 40 percent less likely to die of a heart attack. Not that the cat could care less either way, really." –Jay Leno
SENIORS TEXTING CODES
ATD..At The Doctors.
BFF..Best Friend Fell.
BTW..Bring the Wheelchair.
BYOT..Bring Your Own Teeth.
FWIW..Forgot Where I Was.
GTGPBL..Got to Go Pacemaker Battery Low.
GHA..Got Heartburn Again.
IMHO..Is My Hearing-Aid On.
LMDO..Laughing My Dentures Out.
OMMR..On My Massage Recliner.
OMSG ..Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFLACGU….Rolling On Floor Laughing And Can’t Get Up.
A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.
"And what will your third wish be?"
The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven’t had a first or second wish yet?"
"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."
"Okay," said the man, "I don’t believe this, but what the heck. I’ve always wanted to understand women. I’d love to know what’s going on inside their heads."
"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and dis- appeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"
The difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED
People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED…
But there is.
When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE…
And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED…
And if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are…
COMPLETELY FINISHED ..
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, ‘I know what the Bible means!’
His father smiled and replied, ‘What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means?
The son replied, ‘I do know!’
‘Okay,’ said his father. ‘What does the Bible mean?’
‘That’s easy, Daddy…’ the young boy replied excitedly,’ It stands for ‘Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.’
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
‘Is there anything breakable in here?’ asked the postal clerk.
‘Only the Ten Commandments.’ answered the lady.
The patient shook his doctor’s hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I’d like to make a little change."
WHEN YOU SWIM IN THE CREEK
AND AN EEL BITES YOUR CHEEK
THAT’S A MORAY
- To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
- When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
- A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
- When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
- The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
- The batteries were given out free of charge.
- A dentist and a manicurist were courting. It was a tooth and nail affair.
- A will is a dead giveaway.
- If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they’re wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.
The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep", he replied. "That’s why I dumpin it here, cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage’
Fred was telling his friend how his uncle tried to make a new car for himself… "so he took wheels from a Cadillac, a radiator from a Ford, some tires and fenders from a Plymouth…"
"Holy Cow," interrupted his friend, "What did he end up with?"
And Fred replied, "Two years."
Q: Why did the kid start a gardening service?
A: He wanted to rake in some cash.
Q: Why did the clock get sick?
A: It was run down.
Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
A: Cell phones.
Q: What do you call a drunk who works in an upholstery shop?
A: A recovering alcoholic.