Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, ‘And you are no good in bed either,’ and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, ‘What took you so long to answer to the phone?’ She says, ‘I was in bed.’
‘In bed this early, doing what?’
‘Getting a second opinion!’
A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast ‘The Flintstones’. A spokesman for the channel said. “A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.”
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she’d asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders".
Guess where I am now…
What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One is a super hero and the other is an instruction.
‘I said, ‘Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?’
He said, ‘I don’t know and I don’t care.’
For those of you that like to read Romance Novels, this is really good, a little short but worth the read.
He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.
He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax.”
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn’t care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage, and then as he reached my breasts, I inhaled sharply.
Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine, across my hips, and although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking `no’ for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ………………."Okay, ma’am, You can board your flight now."
To prepare for my daughter’s First Communion, I called the church in the town where we used to live to get a copy of her baptismal certificate.
We lived there for only a short while, so I didn’t know the clergy well. When the secretary asked me the name of the father, I told her that I couldn’t remember.
After a brief silence, she said, "Ma’am, I’m talking about the name of the baby’s father."
The new government in Egypt has asked the city’s taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their horns.It is thought that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquility and normality.
Operation Toot ‘n Calm ’em will last for the rest of the week.
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.
He had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop: ‘I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense and I won’t take no for an answer.’
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted and were off!
About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. ‘And how did you like your holiday?’ he asked eagerly.
‘The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,’ she said. ‘I’ve come to thank you but, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?’
SOME OF US ASK THE SAME QUESTION EVERY MORNING!
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn’t it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t hear the question.
"Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
Q: Why should you always guard your rear while you’re in the hospital?
A: You’re in enema territory.
Q: What did the rope say after it got tangled?
A: Oh, no. Knot again!
Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this!
Q: What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A: A hot dog and a six pack of beer!
Q. What did the lipstick say to the teacher when she got a bad grade?
A. Can I make it up?
Q. What do you get when you cross a teacher with a vampire?
A. A blood test.