Thought I would share this story from a class at a Secondary College.
The Science Teacher brought the school goldfish back to the science room after the holidays. He told his Year 11 Biology Class that the fish “Amnesia” and “Dementia” were quite unhappy in the small aquarium in his shed during the holidays and were glad to be back in their larger tank in the science room. One student quickly replied “They obviously prefer swimming around in schools”.
Bus: A vehicle that goes twice as fast when you are running to catch it, as when you are travelling in it.
Taser : An instrument used to connect police with young people.
Wall clock: Impossible to steal from a Government building in the afternoon, as every one is watching it.
Key-ring: A very reliable way of losing all of your keys at once, instead of one at a time
Cellulite: Often attaches itself to women, but rarely to men
Parents : Two people who teach you to walk and to talk, so that, later on, they can tell you to sit down and be quiet.
Little toe: An appendage which is used to find the edge of table legs and doorways
GPS : The only woman that men will listen to, in order to find their way whilst driving.
A blonde goes to a cafe for lunch and orders a pizza. The assistant asks if she wants it cut into 4 pieces or 6. The blonde thinks about it for a few minutes and replies "Better make it 4. I don’t think I could eat 6".
"Facebook is looking into buying Twitter for around $10 billion. If all goes as planned, the company hopes to combine the two companies, creating the biggest waste of time the world has ever seen." -Jay Leno
A man goes to the doctors and says "doc I think I’m going a little deaf"
"Right", says the doctor. " before I examine you, can you describe the symptoms?"
Puzzled, the man says, "well Homer is fat, yellow, and bald, and Marge has blue hair and a pearl necklace".
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what’s your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog ?.
"Ten dollars," the guy says."
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"He’s a liar. He never did any of that stuff. "
"My wife thinks I’m too nosy. At least that’s what she keeps scribbling in her diary."
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother,
"Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 & 96, live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath, puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, ‘Was I getting in or out of the bath?’
The 94-year-old yells back, ‘I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.’ She starts up the stairs and pauses, ‘Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head & says, ‘I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.’ She then yells, ‘I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door’.
Q: Why does the nurse carry around a red pen?
A: To draw blood.
Q: What’s invisible and smells like carrots?
A: Bunny f*rts!
Q: What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede?
A: Bacon and legs.