Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, ‘Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman.’
‘Oh yeah?’ said Charlie, ‘And how did this one end?’
‘When it was over,’ Mike replied, ‘She came to me on her hands and knees.’
‘Really,’ said Charles, ‘Now that’s a switch! What did she say?’
She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.’
- To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
- When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
- A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
- When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
- The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
- The batteries were given out free of charge.
- A dentist and a manicurist were courting. It was a tooth and nail affair.
- A will is a dead giveaway.
I manage a cafe/canteen that specialises in a couple of areas – mainly getting long-time unemployed people back into the workforce and giving young people who have just finished relevant courses a kick-start into the ‘real’ world of employment.
Now for the bit I think you might find funny.
I had to rebuke a trainee barista for over-filling coffee cups. She brought one to me that was so full that it spilled in transit.
I said to her (in my sternest voice), " If I wanted to put three sugar sticks into this coffee, where would it go?"
Without blinking an eye, she replied, "Straight to you hips."
End of telling-off – everybody in the room cracked up!
Scene: A conversation between two of my friends.
Friend #1: Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions?
Friend #2: I’m all set. I have the address, a GPS, and a GPS override.
Friend #1: What’s a GPS override?
Friend #2: My wife.
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I’ll bet you don’t know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office.
At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home.
"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to ‘honor’ thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’
"They say that kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray, which is a good thing to remember the next time you get lonely." -Fred Stoller
A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel:
"An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse’s mate is found in a ‘compromising position.’"
"See, I have a problem with that passion business,"
responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him." She wasn’t selected for the jury.
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: ‘I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had s-x with each of them three times.’
Priest: ‘Are you sorry for your sins?’
Man: ‘What sins?’
Priest: ‘What kind of a Catholic are you?’
Man: ‘I’m Jewish.’
Priest: ‘Why are you telling me all this?’
Man: ‘I’m 92 years old ….. I’m telling everybody!’
A farmer stopped by the local garage to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at B & Q and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the market and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the market he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to Church Lane ?’
The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to the lane I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’
The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’
‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.’
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me… How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’
The farmer said, ‘Wow lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’
The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.’
Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
A: To try to forget.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don’t. They’re born that way.
Q: What happens when bananas sunbathe?
A: They start to peel!
Q: What did the mime say to the bartender?