A mission statement is defined as "a long, awkward sentence that demonstrates management’s inability to think clearly."
All good companies have one.
- Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
- Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action. So I sent her my ironing. That’ll keep her busy.
- Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year”. Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then."
- A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part".
Q. What’s the difference between Ricky Ponting and a funeral director?
A. A funeral director doesn’t keep losing the ashes.
Q. What do you call an Australian with a champagne bottle in his hand?
A. A waiter.
Q. What’s the height of optimism?
A. An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.
Q. What do Aussie batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from
Q. What do you call an Aussie who can hold a catch?
A. A fisherman
On his way out into the middle to bat, Ricky Ponting gets a call from his wife and teammate Michael Hussey tells her he’s heading out to the middle to bat.
His wife replies: "I’ll hold on then."
A director is screen testing Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger for a new film about classic composers. Not having figured out who to give which part to, he asks Sly who he would like to be.
Stallone says, "I like Mozart. I want to be Mozart."
So the Director says, "Very well, you can be Mozart." Then he turns to Arnie and says, "Arnie, who would you like to play?"
And Arnie says, "Ah’ll be Bach!"
Ok, it’s official. I’m getting old. The other day I was walking back to my car from the grocery store. Coming into the store was this smoking hot 18, maybe 17 year old, blonde. I mean she was hot.
My thought? "I wonder what her mother looks like."
Husband and wife had a tiff.
Wife called up her mum and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mum said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.”
I met this chap at the Olympics. I said to him "Excuse me but are you a pole vaulter?". He replied "No, I’m German, but how did you know my name was Walter."
"I think I mentioned to Bob [Geldof] I could make love for eight hours. What I didn’t say was that this included four hours of begging and then dinner and a movie." –Sting
To my friend’s astonishment, a police car pulled up to her house and her elderly grand-father got out. The patrolman explained that the old gentleman had been lost in the city park and had asked for help.
"Why, Grandfather," my friend said, "you’ve been going there for 40 years. How could you get lost?"
The old man smiled slyly. "Wasn’t exactly lost," he admitted. "I just got tired of walking."
During a recent flood in a small town, a young girl was perched on top of a house with a little boy. As they sat watching articles float by in the water, they noticed an old hat go past.
Suddenly, the hat turned and came back, then turned around and went downstream. After it had gone some distance, again it turned and came back. They watched as it did this a number of times.
"Do you see that hat?" said the girl in amazement. "First it goes downstream, then turns around and comes back, then it goes back downstream and then it comes back again."
"Oh, that’s nothing, it’s only my dad," replied the boy. "This morning my Mum said that come h*ll or high water, he had to mow the lawn today."
Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.
Doctor: What does he call his other eye?
Doctor: Did you take the patient’s temperature?
Nurse: No. Is it missing?
Q: How can you stop a leper from robbing a bank?
A: You disarm him.
Q: What did the leftover turkey say after it was wrapped up?
A: Foiled again.
Q: What do you call a sleeping male cow?
A: A bull-dozer.
Q: Where do you go to get a small soda?
Q: Why did the idiot take a ladder into the bar?
A: He heard the drinks were on the house.
Q: If you are American in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom?
Q: Why did the projector blush?
A: It saw the filmstrip.
Q: How do sailors get their clothes clean?
A: They throw them overboard and they wash ashore.