The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Patricia’s sister was in hospital this week and was looking for some Christmas cheer in the sick room. She asked her hubby to track down the classic movie “Miracle on 34th Street” on DVD.

Sometime later he returned with what he thought she had asked for… “Nightmare on Elm Street”’ When challenged he said he knew it had “street” in the title…

"Here’s a fun fact: You know how much Christmas wrapping paper is on the average roll? Four inches less than you need." -Jay Leno

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlanta.

The brunette team rides on the bottom of the bus. The blonde team rides on the top level.

The brunette team down below is partying having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn’t hear anything from the blondes upstairs.

She decides to get up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The brunette asks, "What the heck’s going on up here?
We’re having a great time downstairs!"

One of the blondes looks up at her, swallows hard and says, "YEAH, BUT YOU’VE GOT A DRIVER!"

Two true stories

Years ago I was working with a Grade 1 class, i.e. six year-olds. One little boy came up to me with a book, pointed at the word "swing," and asked if he was correct in his reading. Thinking that I was being helpful in encouraging him to look at the structure of the word I said, "S-W-I-N-G, I think that might be swing, don’t you?" He looked at me, and with no hint of judgment asked, "don’t you know?" He then went off to consult his teacher, leaving me reflecting on the need to choose my words more carefully!

I became aware of some surreptitious note passing going on during a lesson with Year 7s i.e. 12 year-olds. I neatly intercepted a message just as it was about to be given to its intended recipient. It read:
"Sarah, will you go out with Robert?’ He says he will buy chocolates. Will you mate with Robert in the middle of the library after school today?"
I presume he meant, "meet," but our Library Coordinator said he’d have the fire extinguisher ready just in case!

A couple are lying in bed. The man says,

‘I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.’

The woman replies, ‘I’ll miss you…’

A Jehovah’s Witness called at our house last week.
It was freezing cold so I said, "Don’t stand outside, lad, come in and sit by the heater."
He came in and sat down while I went and made him a cup of coffee and warmed up some mince pies.
When I came back into the lounge room I gave him the coffee and pies and I said to him, "Now then, lad, what do you want to talk about?"
He replied, "I’m damned if I can remember – I’ve never got this far before."

At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry, and all of them had an ‘A’, so far.
These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it.

They said that they visited friends, but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points.
Cool, they thought. Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy…. then they turned the page. On the second page was written…..

For 95 points: Which tire? _________

An attorney I know once drafted wills for an elderly husband and wife who had been somewhat apprehensive about discussing death. When they arrived to sign the documents, he ushered the couple into his office.

"Now," he said to them, "which one of you wants to go first?"

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen turned to her oldest friend.

"Well, I’m sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

"I’m sure you’re right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500.
The rest went for the memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"

"Two and a half carats."

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What’s on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started…

Q: Why is getting Christmas presents for your kids just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it soots him.

Q: What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
A: The Christmas alphabet has NOEL.

Q: What is the cow’s holiday greeting?
A: Mooooory Christmas.

Q: How does Santa Claus take pictures?
A: With his North Pole-aroid.

Q. What do you call a dear with no eyes?
A. No idea.

Q. What do you call a dear with no eyes and no legs?
A Still no idea.