It was the day after Christmas. The lawyer had gone out for the day, so the burglar, noticing this, broke into his house and stole all his Christmas gifts.
He was almost out of the house when a police officer pulled up to the house and promptly apprehended the man.
"You can’t arrest me!" the man exclaimed.
"Buddy," the cop said, "I just caught you breaking and entering, red- handed!"
The man replied, "But the law says I have a right to the presents of an attorney!"
A blonde was mowing the lawn in her garden and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat that was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to Coles!
Coles is the largest re-tailer in Australia!!!
A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said, "I’d like to report a case of s*xual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me"
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".
"That’s very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"
"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn’t in for very long".
I was making my way round Bunnings on a busy Saturday afternoon and found myself behind a young family with a youngster of around 6 years old or thereabouts placed in the trolly with all the purchases.
They were obviously having just a little trouble with the behaviour of the little girl and reaching the end of their patiance. There was a stern lecture going on about behaviour that ended with, "You had better be a good girl, nobody likes bad girls."
As I walked past I thought to myself, "Boy oh boy lady wrong you are!"
We live in a rural area and a few weeks ago our phone line dropped out. We reported it to Telstra three times over two weeks but they simply couldn’t find a fault with the line.
After three weeks my husband ran into our neighbour on our fenceline when my husband was out in the paddock checking our sheep. Our neighbour (elderly) asked my husband if we had any trouble with our phone. My husband replied ‘Yes, how did you know, we’ve had no phone for weeks and Telstra don’t know what’s wrong.’
Our neighbour replies ‘I rang you a few weeks ago to tell you that the Council accidentally slashed your phone line when they were mowing the sides of the road. I saw the shredded wires out the front of your drive when I was out walking and rang and left you a message. Didn’t you get it?’.
The phone rang. It was a salesman from a mortgage refinance company. "Do you have a second mortgage on your home?"
"No," I replied.
"Would you like to consolidate all your debts?"
"I really don’t have any," I said.
"How about freeing up cash for home improvements?" he tried.
"I don’t need any. I just recently had some done and paid cash," I parried.
There was a brief silence, and then he asked, "Are you looking for a husband?"
An actual event related to your "how did you get your husband to diet" joke.
When our grandson, Ryan, was about 5 he used to come and stay with us a lot. Consequently many of his clothes came to be stored in the draws of our spare room where he slept. In one load of washing we both had underwear of the same design and exactly same colour but obviously of different sizes. My wife inadvertently mixed these up putting mine in Ryans undy-draw and his in mine. Needless to say he couldn’t keep his pair up and I couldn’t get mine beyond mid-thigh. Older and wiser now, Ryan wears boxers.
"The annual ‘Christmas Village’ in Philadelphia has been renamed the ‘Holiday Village.’ In fact, they’re not Santa’s reindeer anymore…they’re now ‘nondenominational venison.’" -Jay Leno
I work in the disability field and as rewarding my job is nothing beats the numerous personalities that I have been fortunate enough go work with – I used to work with a gentlemen who used to provide me with a lot of laughs. On one occasion I entered the workplace and he was searching frantically for something. I stopped and asked him if he could use some help?
He then looked at me and said "I can’t find my bloody gloves!" I looked over his shoulder and plain as day there were 2 boxes of gloves (L for large and S for small) I pointed at the gloves and said they are on the shelf, he looked at me obviously getting even more frustrated and said "I’m looking for the MENS gloves, I will not wear LADIES gloves!) (S – small M -medium L – large)
My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from
9 holes to 18 holes. Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.
When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods.
"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"
Q: What would happen if pigs could fly?
A: Bacon would go up.
Q: What do you call a man with a car on his head?
Q: Why Do We Go to Bed?
A: Because the Bed Won’t Come To Us.
Q: What color is a burp?