These three old ladies and their dogs were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.
But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn’t reach that far.
Everyone knows I’m a stickler for good spelling. So, when an associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to “decifer” them, I had to set him straight.
I wrote, “Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f. In case you’ve forgotten, spell checker comes free with your soft- ware.”
A minute later, I got this reply, “Mine must be dephective.”
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.
“In English,” he explained,
“a double negative forms a positive.
In some languages, such as Russian,
a double negative is still a negative.”
“However,” the professor continued,
“there is no language wherein
a double positive can form a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up
A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
*’*I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?’ She said, ‘Yes, my husband and I use it all the time.’ ‘If you don’t mind my asking,’ he said, ‘what do you use it for?’ ‘We use it for s*x,’ she said. The researcher was a little taken aback. ‘Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.
But in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for s-x?’
The woman said, ‘I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.
INDIAN SCHOOL of BUSINESS – LESSON 1
Rajpat (the father): Son, I want you to marry a girl of my choice. Son: “I will choose my own bride!!!” Rajpat: “But the girl is Bill Gates’s daughter..” Son: “Well, in that case… Ok”
Next Rajpat approaches Bill Gates. Rajpat: “I have a husband for your daughter….” Bill Gates: “But my daughter is too young to marry!!!!!” Rajpat: “But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.” Bill Gates: “Ah, in that case… Ok”
Finally Rajpat goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Rajpat: “I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president..” President: “But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!” Rajpat: “But this young man is Bill Gates’s son-in-law.” President: “Ah, in that case…
And that my friend, is how Indians do business.
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
‘Have you ever done anything of particular merit?’ St.
Peter asked. ‘Well, I can think of one thing,’ the cowboy offered.
‘On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, ‘Now, back off or I’ll kick the s#!t out of all of you!’ St.
Peter was impressed, ‘When did this happen?’
‘Couple of minutes ago.’
Women might be able to fake org*sms, but men can fake a whole relationship. Sharon Stone
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing front of men than they do other women. They say women are too judmental, where of course men are so grateful. Robert de Niro
Bigamy is having a husband/wife too many, monogomy is the same. Oscar Wilde
Since my purchases came to $19.06, I handed the cashier a twenty.
“Do you have six cents?” she asked.
“Sorry,” I said after fishing around my pockets, “I have no cents.”
“Finally,” she muttered, “a man who can admit it.”
I’ve never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
A man who was always trying to think of different ways to show his wife how much he loved her hit upon the idea of having her name tattooed along the length of his ‘manhood’, so that every time they made love she would know that it belonged only to her. He was rather pleased with the result
– “on the slack” he could see the letters W Y, and erect, it read WENDY. This was a huge success with his wife.
Anyway, he was in the Men’s room one day, when a huge Jamaican came and stood beside him. Taking a quick glance sideways to see whether the rumours about the ‘endowment’
of such men was true, he was amazed to see W Y tattooed on his also.
Thinking that this was an incredible coincidence, he ventured to say, ” Er….. excuse me, but …. er…. I couldn’t help noticing your tattoo. Is you wife’s name Wendy, too?”
Flashing a huge smile, the Jamaican replied (imagine the Jamaican accent), “Or nor, Mun, mine says WELCOME TO THE WEST INDIES – HAVE A NICE DAY!”
Q: Why did the math book visit the doctor?
A: Because it had problems.
Q: Why are cakes similar to baseball teams?
A: They both need good batters.
Q: What fruit teases you a lot?
A: A ba..na..na..na..na..na..na!
Q: How can you tell if a calendar is popular?
A: It has a lot of dates!