"Don’t worry, I can stay out late tonight," Joe told his friend Bob. "My wife’s gone for a two-week vacation in the Caribbean."
"Jamaica?" Bob asked.
"No, it was her idea."
A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other.
The rabbit says, "You feel me first." The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit.
He says, "Well, you have fur all over, and a little cotton tail, and two long ears, and big back feet…"
The rabbit says, "I know! I’m a rabbit! Yippee!" Then the rabbit feels the snake. He says, "Okay, you’re long and thin, and slimy all over, and there’s a little forked tongue…"
The snake says, "Oh no, I’m a lawyer."
I was recently researching the etymology of the term vegetarian………………. and found this interesting "fact" it is a primitive word, (possibly from cavemangali) meaning "lousy hunter"
I disagree with my psychiatrist’s assertion that I’m depressed because I have a serotonin imbalance. I’m pretty sure the real reason is that my life sucks.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying.
I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?"
She said. "No. I hate myself now."
Once there was a little snail who had pretensions of grandeur. So he bought himself a Mini Minor and had a big "S" printed on the side. As he drove by, people would stop and stare, saying "Look at that S car go!"
My now 10 year old grandson Drew when he was 7 wanted desperately to get his Dad Mick something special for his up coming birthday. The Pool Company would be starting the new full size in-ground pool in a few months time.
Mick works away four days a week so Drew begins digging .
He figured he would give his dad a " Hole " for his birthday and save him some money on the pool hole. For four days he dug like mad.
Mick arrives home late in the dark, falls in the hole with lots of rain water in it, North Q. Drew was upset because Dad didn’t understand it was his birthday present and explained had he worked a few more days he would have had the hole finished and now it was only half a hole.
‘If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?’ Billy Connolly
Last week I supervised the class of a new scripture teacher. The lady was going through the ten commandments and was doing well until someone asked what committing adultery meant.
"Well, it means that if a man already has a wife he shouldn’t go and find another one," she declared sweetly and carefully to her young audience. One boy about eight years old shot up his hand. "That’s true, my dad did that and now I’ve got twin half-sisters!" he told the class loudly.
The poor scripture teacher’s face was priceless as she squealed "Oh, my gosh!" and slapped both hands over her mouth.
I was reminded of when my youngest son was learning the National Anthem. He proudly sang, "Australians, all let ostriches. . . "
Q. Why shouldn’t you give blonds a tea break?
A. Because you have to train them again afterwards.
I’ve just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said ‘I’ve not eaten for two days’ I told him ‘I wish I had your will power!’
"Paul, the octopus who predicted the outcome of all those World Cup games, died this week. In lieu of flowers, the family has asked that people send lemon wedges and tartar sauce." -Jay Leno
Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.
Enzo signs back, "I don’t know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo’s temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him."
Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno’s backyard in Woodbridge !"
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
He said to go fuck yourself, you wouldn’t have the guts.
Q. Why do we have armies?
A. So our handies stay on.
Q. Why do we have feet?
A. So our ankles don’t fray.
Q: On which side does a chicken have the most feathers?
A: The outside.
Q: What lies on the ground, 100 feet in the air?
A: A dead centipede.
Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A: A fsh.
Q: What do you call the wife of a Hippie?