There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.
We’ve all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS – Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: ‘Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?’
BALLS – Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: ‘You’re next, Chubby.’
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing
Paddy replied, ‘We’re supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don’t have a ladder..’
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.
She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.
Then, she walked off.
Mick said to Paddy, ‘Isn’t that just like a blonde!
We needed the height, and she gives us the bloody length!!
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me." –Noel Coward
One of my college friends asked a group of us for advice on organizing his final report for the year. "Why don’t you use Roman numerals to head the different sections?" another friend suggested.
"I already thought of that," he replied. "But my keyboard doesn’t have Roman numerals on it."
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.
"Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry….we can’t hire you." "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red, blue, ribbed, flavored; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over, the country!" "Womanizing?
What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don’t want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"
The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"
You know you are getting old when standing beside your coffee maker you don’t know whether its you or it making the noises!
A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler’s trainer came to him and said ‘Now, don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this ‘pretzel’ hold he has.
Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you’re finished.’
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.. He couldn’t watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked ‘How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!’ The wrestler answered ‘Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.’ The trainer exclaimed ‘That’s what finished him off?’
‘Not really. You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.
The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise.
"You need to make sure the dog runs around," the doctor said. "Try playing a game of fetch."
"I can’t play fetch with my dog," the blonde said.
"Why not?" the doctor asked.
"Because," she replied, "He can’t throw."
Q: Why did the Vampire get fired from the Blood Bank?
A: He was caught drinking on the job.
Q: How do ghosts begin letters?
A: Tomb it may concern.
Q: Why don’t ghosts like to go out in the rain?
A: Because it dampens their spirits!
Q: Why didn’t the Invisible Man get invited to the Halloween party?
A: They knew he wouldn’t show up.
Q: What did one vampire say to the other as they were passing the morgue?
A: Let’s stop in for a cool one.