Wife asks husband, "How many women have you slept with?"
Husband proudly replies,
"Only you, Darling – With all the others, I was awake."
"According to the ‘Wall Street Journal’, researchers at Harvard have found an enzyme in the brain that regulates obesity. They said if it wasn’t for our brains, we would all be thin. That’s why supermodels are so skinny." –Jay Leno
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong. "All right children, let’s take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man’s pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"
Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile he blurts out, "You’d be his wife!"
When I took my mother into the Senior Citizens Centre, one of her friends came over with a frown on her face. "We’ve got a new man who’s joined us and he is very rude," she declared. "He asked me my age and when I told him he said that he was ninety-five and had a lot less wrinkles than me!"
"Oh, you poor thing!" we gasped. "Are you O.K?" "Of course I am!" she announced with a twinkle in her eye. "I took off his hat and said maybe so, but I have a lot more hair!"
A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you’ve got to do something about my husband – he thinks he’s a refrigerator!"
"I wouldn’t worry too much about it," the doctor replies.
"Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass."
"But you don’t understand," the woman insists. "He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake."
A blonde walks into a doctor’s office with burns on both of her ears. The doctor asks her what happened.
"Well…" she begins, "I was ironing my work suit when the phone rang and I mistakenly picked up the iron instead of the phone." "Well that explains one ear," the doctor said, "but what about the other?" "He called back!"
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds "Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It’s a planet," replied God and I’ve put life on it…I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I’m still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things..
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel , impressed by God’s work, then pointed to an island and said, "What’s that one?"
"That’s New Zealand , the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from New Zealand are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things"
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance…"
God smiled, "Close to New Zealand is Australia . Wait till you see the idiots I put there."
Rules are the means of a girl’s assessing which man she likes well enough to break them for.
The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.
Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips.
Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with humility, "please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don’t sell that cow."
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest.After a few minutes,
Larry asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’
His father replied, ‘Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Larry, looking worried, said, ‘Dad, I think the Foxtel guy wants to buy Mom ……..’
A man goes into a supermarket and buys a tube of tooth- paste, a bottle of Pepsi, a giant bag of chips, and a frozen pizza.
The cute girl at the register looks at him and says, "Single, huh?"
Sarcastically the guy sneers, "How’d you guess?"
She replies, "Because you’re ugly."
Noah was told that of all the animals on the ark, only the adders refused to obey God’s command and go forth and multiply.
"Well," said Noah. "I’ll have to ask the Lord what to do about that." And so he prayed to God and said, "These snakes won’t go forth and multiply"
And God said, "Don’t worry. Find some the trees and saw them into logs and create a platform sitting upon four legs. Then put the snakes on the platform."
"But how will that help the snakes?" asked Noah.
"Easy," replied God, "Everyone knows even adders can multiply using a log table!"
Q. What did one earthquake say to the other earthquake???
A. It really is your fault!!!!
Q: Have you heard about the new teenage Barbie doll?
A: You wind her up and she resents you.
Q: What did the farmer count his cows with?
A: A cowculator.
Q: What did the grandfather do when the truck got old?
A: He retired it.