Once upon a time in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. My Mom chewed him out for it. He apologized, they made up.
However, from time to time, my mom mentions what he had done. "Honey," my Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was ‘forgive and forget.’"
"It is," she said. "I just don’t want you to forget that I’ve forgiven and forgotten."
At a wedding I recently attended, the priest called for a moment of silence to remember the faithful dead…
As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of me turned to his father and said excitedly, "Dad, you have some of their albums!"
"When the Pope met the Queen of England, they both said the same thing to each other: ‘Nice hat.’" -Jay Leno
Good Morning, this is Radio Pakistan.
The Sports News.
"Here are tomorrow’s cricket scores"
This is a true story: My mother was on the local bowls club committee, who were organising their annual spring ball. It was decided that a parasol would be one of the prizes, and a committee member offered to go into the city to purchase one. When asked how much she should spend, the committee president replied, "Oh, I don’t know – just use your own aggression." (discretion?)
Angus Broon of Glasgow, Scotland, comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that’s come off of me fly? I can’t button me pants."
"Oh Angus, I’ve got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it," says Maggie.
About 5 minutes later, there’s a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs.
Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says, "My god, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"
"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button, and she did. Everything was goin’ fine, but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread, Mr MacDonald walked in."
Truths for Mature Humans
- I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will neverwash this – ever.
- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day.What a waste.
- I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so Iknow not to answer when they call.
- I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
- Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I wasyounger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heckwas going on when I first saw it.
- I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bagsin each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
- The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’mtrying to finish a text.
- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line betweenboredom and hunger.
- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" beforeyou just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear orunderstand a word they said?
My dear friend, a divorcee, never remarried, and her daughter wanted to know why.
"The men I know would bring too much heavy baggage to the marriage and I simply don’t want to put up with it," she explained.
Taking her mother’s hand in hers, my friend’s daughter said sweetly, "I hate to break the news to you, Mom, but you’re not exactly carry-on yourself."
Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, ‘Why are you throwing those nails away?’
Carol explained, ‘When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.’
Donna got completely upset and yelled, ‘You moron! Those nails aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!’
A fellow goes to a party and meets this gorgeous girl. They seem to hit it off really well so they spend some time chatting, sharing a few drinks and generally having a wonderful time. They end up on the dance floor and things are going really well. The fellow thinks he might be onto a good thing here and want to invite her back to his house for the night.
He thinks about how he will approach this subject. During one particularly slow, romantic dance he whispers into her ear, "So, how do you like your eggs in the morning?" Her reply……"Unfertilised!!!"
I don’t want to brag or make anybody jealous or anything, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
Q: What do you call jewelry lost on the golf course?
A: A diamond in the rough.
Q: What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
Q: Did you hear about the scientist who crossed a carrier pigeon with a woodpecker?
A: He got a bird that not only delivers messages, but also knocks on the door when it gets there.
Q: Why do you find ghosts hanging around liquor stores?
A: That’s where they get their boo’s.