”Working in customer service at Vision Australia, I received a call from a lady who said she had been diagnosed with something that sounded like ‘immaculate conception’,”
writes Jane, of Enfield. ”After some discussion, we agreed that it was probably macular degeneration, a leading cause of vision loss for people aged over 75. After further discussion about the services we could provide, she agreed to call me back after she talked to her ‘optimist’.
Then there are the calls about the blind dogs … ”
Arthur is 90 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 30 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
‘That’s it,’ he tells his wife, ‘I’m giving up golf. My eyesight is so bad … Once I hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.’
His wife sympathizes, and as they sit down, she says, ‘Why don’t you take my brother with you, and give it one more try.’
‘That’s no good,’ sighs Arthur… ‘Your brother is ninety five. He can’t help.’
‘He may be ninety five’, says the wife, ‘but his eyesight is perfect.’
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.. He tees up, takes a mighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law.
‘Did you see the ball?’
‘Of course I did!’ says the brother-in- law. ‘I have perfect eyesight.’
‘Where did it go?’ asks Arthur.
‘I can’t remember.’
Two guys are at the bar staring into their drinks, when one says, "Hey Harry, have you ever suspected your wife of leading a double life?"
Harry says, "Yeah, all the time — her own and mine."
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too. The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing set," replies the drunk.
"In New York, the Health Department has starting putting up anti-soda posters throughout the city, showing ‘pure liquid fat’ being poured into a glass. People have been really affected by the ads, they’re going into stores and saying, ‘Hey do you have that new all-fat soda? That stuff looks great.’" -Jimmy Fallon
An old farmer went to town to see a movie.
The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what’s that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That’s my pet rooster, Chucky.”
Wherever I go, Chucky goes."
"I’m sorry, sir," said the ticket agent.
"We can’t allow animals in the theatre."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants.
He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theatre.
He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm.
The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred.
"What?" said Marge.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.
"Well, don’t worry about it," said Marge. "At our age we’ve seen ’em all."
"That’s what I thought, too," said Mildred, "but this one’s eating my popcorn."
Q: What do you call a garbage man with no nose?
Q: What does an elephant do when it breaks a toe?
A: It calls a toe truck!
Q: What did the leftover turkey say after it was wrapped up?
A: Foiled again!
Q: What do you get if you don’t clean your mirror?
A: A dirty look.
Q: What do you get when you put three ducks in a box?
A: A box of quackers.
Q: What do astronauts put on their sandwiches?
A: Launch meat.
Q: How do you scare a man?
A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.