A guy is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.
His friend stops him and asks, "Hey! Whatcha got that case of beer for?"
"Well, I got it for my wife, you see?" the guys answers.
"Wow," exclaims his friend, "Great trade.
"A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point. That’s basic spelling that every woman ought to know." –Mistinguette (French actress)
"Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time."
-Demetri Martin
A blonde finds herself in dire trouble.
Her business has gone bust and she’s in serious financial straits.
She’s so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray…
"God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays…
"God, please let me win the lottery! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays…
"My God, why have you forsaken me? I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don’t often ask you for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and the blonde is confronted by the voice of God Himself…
"Sweetheart, work with Me on this. Buy a ticket!
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a key- board. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
The top 10 Best Golf Caddy Remarks (Part 2)
No. 5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It’s not a watch it’s a compass."
No. 4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good, sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
No. 3
Golfer: "Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day."
No. 2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I’ve ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
and the No.1 best caddy comment:
Golfer: "That can’t be my ball, it’s too old."
Caddy: "It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir."
A robust-looking gentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant and topped it off with some Napoleon brandy, then he summoned the headwaiter. "Do you recall," he asked pleasantly, "how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here and then, because I couldn’t pay for it, you had me thrown into the alley like a common bum?"
"I’m very sorry sir…" began the contrite headwaiter.
"Oh, it’s quite all right." said the guest, "but I’m afraid I’ll have to trouble you again…"
I took my granddaughter to the doctor for her 2-year-old
check- up. They had her do coordination tests, like stacking blocks, and they watched to see if she walked properly. And then the doctor said, "Gracie, can you stand on one foot for me?"
So she walked over and stood on his foot.
"How long have you been driving without a tail light?"
asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.
The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan. He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.
"Come on, now," he said, "you don’t have to take it so hard. It isn’t that serious."
"It isn’t?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"
While visiting Annapolis, a lady tourist noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.
"What are they doing?" she asked the tour guide.
"Each year," he replied with a grin, "the upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard."
When they were out of earshot of the freshmen, the curious lady asked the guide: "So, what’s the answer?"
The guide replied: "One."
Q: Where do you buy chess supplies?
A: At a pawn shop.
Q: What did the wall say to the ceiling?
A: Meet you at the corner.
Q: What did the beaver say to the tree?
A: It’s been nice gnawing you!
Q: Did you hear about the convict who was allergic to jail?
A: He would break-out in hives.
Q: Who earns a living driving customers away?
A: A taxi driver.
Q: Why are movie stars so cool?
A: Because they have so many fans.
Q: Why should you always guard your rear while you’re in the hospital?
A: You’re in enema territory.