The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Got my son a iPhone for his birthday the other week, and recently got my Daughter a iPod for hers, was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for father’s day.

Got my wife a iRon for her Birthday, it was around then the fight started……

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.’s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!

He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes", he replied reluctantly.

She answered, "We’ll, today I didn’t do it!!"

Did you hear about the pig who wanted to go on stage?
Nobody would let him, they figured he was already too much of a ham.

I was in a supermarket the other day, saw a product that got me to thinking: if the Ancient Greek goddess of love was Aphrodite, then I reckon that the Ancient Greek goddess of sticking to your purpose was Araldite.

We have an alpaca farm. Yes, we really do. When we bought it last year, it also came with two lamas. I renamed them, ‘Ding’ and ‘Dong’. As in ‘Lama, Lama, Ding Dong’.

When Pedro and Maria got married, he was a very experienced man But she was a v*rgin and…. Totally naive…….On their wedding night when Pedro removed his clothes…..Maria looked at his "thingamagig" and…..
asked in wonderment…… ‘Pedro!…. What is that?’

Pedro was a quick thinker….he said…. ‘Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these.’…..and then he proudly showed her what it was for…… Maria liked it….
and was pleased.

After the honeymoon was over, Pedro returned to work, only to return home to find an upset Maria waiting on their front porch. ‘Pedro, you said you were the only man in the world with one of those things…. And yet today….when I saw Gonzalez changing his clothes behind the shed….he had one…..too!’

Ever fast on his feet…Pedro said…’Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my best friend. Since I had two….I gave him one. So he is the only other man in the world with one.’ A puzzled Maria accepted the answer….but when Pedro returned home the next day….an agitated and upset Maria was waiting on the porch.

Obviously concerned…he asked……’Maria?… Now what’s wrong Darling?’…

‘Dammit, Pedro……she replied…… You gave the best one to Gonzalez!’

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, ‘I see,’ ‘yes,’ ‘go on,’ ‘I understand,’ and ‘how did you feel about that?’"

The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying ‘No way! What happened next?’"

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five."

"Fifty five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to our calculations, you’re eighty two."

"How’d you get that?" the lawyer asks.

Answers St. Peter, "We added up your billable hours."

When we finished a personality assessment at work, I asked my friend Dan if he would share the results with his wife.

"That would require me to go home and say, ‘Hi, honey. I just paid someone $400 to tell me what’s wrong with me,’"
he said. "And based on that, considering we’ve been married
23 years, she’d hand me a bill for about $798,000."

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me exactly what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click.’"

Q: Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
A: He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!

Q: How do you tease fruit?
A: Banananananananana!

Q: What does a jellyfish have on its tummy?
A: A jelly button.

Q: Why was the ancient Egyptian confused?
A: Because his daddy was also his mummy.

Q: What’s plastic and climbs church steeples?
A: The lunchwrap of Notre Dame.

Q: What lies on the bottom of the sea and shivers?
A: A nervous wreck.