The Fabulous Friday Funnies

This proves that commonsense is not very common. My dad was booked to go on a trip and as a precaution he took out travel insurance unfortunately he died suddenly but when we activated the travel insurance we had to prove he was too sick to go on the trip, I gave them the death certificate but they replied ‘This doesn’t prove he was sick only that he has died.’ So it begs the question how sick do you have to be before dying?

"According to Buckingham Palace, the British royal family could be broke by 2012. That’s what happens when nobody in your family has a job in 600 years." -Jay Leno

I was supposed to go out with this guy on Friday night. On Friday afternoon he called and said that he didn’t think it was a good idea, because he just wanted to be friends.

So I hung up and called him back. He said, "Hello?"

I said, "Hey, friend, it’s me. Want to hear what this jerk I was supposed to go out with just did?"

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor’s dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I’ve had enough of this!" and she goes downstairs.

She finally comes back up to bed and her husband asks, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"

The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard. Let’s see how THEY like it!"

The First Aid stories reminded me of the time I took a First Aid Course. No, I didn’t take it anywhere in particular, probably why I failed.

Actually, I was one of two who failed. Our Instructor couldn’t believe it! She had told us at the start of the Course, "Now, don’t panic about the exam, at the end of the Course, no-one has ever failed when I’ve been teaching."

Came the time she said to us, in revision, "Now what do you do if you find someone unconscious?"

None of us was forthcoming quickly, so I thought hard, and my hand finally shot up (it has a habit of doing that, I always keep a target on it, so people know where to aim) and I said, "Go through their pockets before they wake up?"

There was a look of shock and horror on her face, until she realised I was joking.

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

True story

A friend of ours, (Rhonda) was visiting her 93 year old Mother in Law. After the visit while waiting for a taxi outside the nursing home the conversation went as follows:

"Thanks for coming dear I mightn’t be here much longer- I think I’d like to die from an org*sm- they say you get light headed and just go to sleep"

Seeing the bemused look on Rhonda’s face:

"Sorry dear I meant an aneurism"

I got to thinking today,

  • Socrates was poisoned
  • Julius Caesar was stabbed to death.
  • Napoleon died in exile.
  • Abraham Lincoln was shot.
  • Gandhi was shot.
  • Kevin Rudd was Gillardteened ???????

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ? It’s Christmas, Eve !

Last night I was sitting on the couch cracking jokes while my wife was trying to watch TV. Suddenly she burst out with "Can’t you just stop annoying me for one night?".

After a a short think I replied "OK then – just let me know which night" :-0

In a courtroom, a purse-snatcher is on trial and the victim is stating what happened.

She says, "Yes, that is him. I saw him clear as day. I’d remember his face anywhere."

At which point, the defendant bursts out, "You couldn’t see my face, lady. I was wearing a mask!"

A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I’ve never felt better… I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?"

The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella instead of his gun by mistake.
When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver.

He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang", and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year old said, "I’d say somebody else shot the beaver."

The doctor said, "My point exactly".

Q: Why are cakes similar to baseball teams?
A: They both need good batters!

Q: What did the rope say after it got tangled?
A: Oh, no, knot again!

Q: What do sea monsters eat?
A: Fish and Ships.

Q: How do you fix a broken tomato?
A: With tomato paste.

Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.

Q: What has one horn and gives milk?
A: A milk truck.