Sent by Kevin Rudd (former Australian prime minister)
“Hey guys it’s me, Kevin.
Remember that $900 I lent you last year? Yeah well I lost my job and I’m gonna need that back….”
- The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
- I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
- In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.
- No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
- A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
Just thought I’d let you know about an example of idiocy endemic in todays banks. About 2 months ago my father in law, Norman passed away. My wife and I are now going through the process of probate.
In order to process his bank account our solicitors contacted the ANZ Bank. They sent a form back asking for various information to enable the probate process to begin, but the bank insisted that the completed form had to be signed by Norman!
Spotted outside a church in Michigan: "Honk if you love Jesus. Keep on texting while you drive if you want to meet him."
Arrested on a robbery charge, our law firm’s client denied the allegations. So when the victim pointed him out in a lineup as one of four men who had attacked him, our client reacted vociferously.
"He’s lying!" he yelled. "There were only three of us."
I was demonstrating the importance of how to call an ambulance and turning a casualty onto their side if they are unconscious to a bunch of prep and grade one children many years ago. Part of the demonstration included doing CPR on a manikin with lights on it to show correct depth of compression etc when one of the Preppies asked: "where do you get lights on a real person?"!! The teacher was no help when she nearly wet herself laughing
After Nigeria was eliminated from the World Cup the Nigerian goalkeeper personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans who travelled to South Africa. He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction!
"Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed by the facts." –Finley Peter Dunne
The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch.
Someone dialed 000.
When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.
"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower."
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote ‘Revelation 3:20’ on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, ‘Genesis 3:10..’
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins ‘Behold, I stand at the door and knock. Genesis 3:10 reads, ‘I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.’
I loaned some blankets to a friend once and I put them in two clean garbage bags. When it came time for her to return them, she put them in the hallway to remind her to put them in the car, but her husband thought they were rubbish and put them in the huge industrial size skip outside. She is a short lady and told me what a terrible time she had bending over the lip of the bin to reach them. She couldn’t wait until the afternoon for her husband to do it because the skip was due to be emptied that morning.
Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumberyard. One of the men walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?"
One of the men said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four. I think?"
Then the clerk asked, "All right. How long do you need them?"
The other man said, "A long time. We’re gonna build a house."
Everyone has a right to make money. A sign posted at a local pub reads "Be safe: Don’t drink and drive. But please still drink."
Q: What do you call a row of 50 rabbits walking backwards?
A: A receding hare line.
Q: Why should you always guard your rear while you’re in the hospital?
A: You’re in enema territory.
Q: Did you hear about the alligators that joined the FBI?
A: They became investi-gators.
Q: Why was Cinderella such a lousy baseball player?
A: She had a pumpkin for a coach!
Q: What dance was invented by Charles Dickens?
A: The Oliver Twist!
Q: Why are scarecrows always winning awards?
A: Because they’re outstanding in their fields!