The Fabulous Friday Funnies

This is another true First Aid course joke:

The refresher course for first aid was a bit tedious; the young instructor was clearly nervous and was trying to do everything ‘by the book’. That is until she told us about doing the “Heineken manoeuvre “ – perhaps it’s bringing the beer up to your mouth in case of emergency! My friend and I were struggling to keep a straight face and of course dutifull practised the Heimlich manoeuvre instead!

A real conversation this week.

My son "Look at they guy – he has a six-head."
Me: Pardon…??????
My son "His forehead is so big, you couldn’t even call it a five-head, its a six-head! "

Two mothers met for coffee. "Well Ruthie, how are the kids?"

"To tell you the truth, my son has married a real tramp!"
says Ruth. "She doesn’t get out of bed until 11. She’s out all day spending his money on Heaven knows what, and when he gets home, exhausted, does she have a nice hot dinner for him? Ha! She makes him take her out to dinner at an expensive restaurant."

"Oh! What a shame. And how about your daughter?"

"Ah! Now there’s a lucky girl. She has married a saint. He brings her breakfast in bed, he gives her enough money to buy whatever she needs, and in the evening he always takes her out to dinner at a nice restaurant."

Some jokes from a 12 year old

I went to this pet shop which was run by my mother-in-law and I wanted a bird. I saw one and asked about it. She said "It talks and lays square eggs" I said "What does it say?"
She said "Ouch!"

I bought a dog who was supposedly a real watchdog. It was true, the house was broken into and he just stood and watched it!

My dog is a real locksmith dog. He just made a bolt for the door!

I lost my dog and so I put an add in the paper. I didn’t get him back, though, because he can’t read!

I had a kelpie once and I put him in the sheepdog trials.
He was found not guilty!

Did you hear about the cannibal who went on a diet? He only ate pygmies!

My mother-in-law is a beautiful lady. She’s 60 years old and still has skin like a peach but did you ever see the skin of a 60 year old peach?

I call my mother-in-law my fare lady. She used to be a bus conductor!

Then I said "This dog has no nose. How does he smell?" And she said "Terrible"

Seriously, my dog is a police dog and he’s going to investigate a crime. He isn’t sure who did it but he has a good lead!

His aching back made it impossible for my friend’s husband to get a decent night’s rest on their lumpy mattress.
"Until I feel better, I’m going to sleep on the couch," he announced.

Ordinarily, a spouse moving out of the bedroom isn’t a good sign for the marriage. So his wife couldn’t resist: "Okay, but as soon as we have an argument you’re back in our bed."

About a 7 year old girl.

When looking in her shoe she found the tag "Made in China"
with the barcode. She hurriedly rushed out and announced "I’ve found the phone number for China…but don’t worry I won’t call it cause it will cost heaps and they’re probably busy making more shoes!"

Question: What’s brown and comes steaming out of cows?
Answer: The Isle of Man ferry!

The head waiter at the cannibal restaurant: ‘Sir, you are late. Everyone’s eaten’.

"No need for me to come out to the house," the doctor told the worried caller. "I’ve checked my files and your uncle isn’t really ill at all – he just thinks he’s sick."

A week later, the doctor telephoned to make sure his diagnosis had been correct. "How’s your uncle today?" he asked.

"Worse," came the reply. "Now he thinks he’s dead."

My daughter’s friend went through her wardrobe and filled two garbage bags with clothes she didn’t want any more. She told her mother what she had done before leaving for work.
That night, her mother told her that she had taken the two bags to the Salvation Army store near their house.

The daughter told her mother that she must be mistaken because the bags were still in her bedroom. The mother almost collapsed with embarrassment when she realised she had taken two bags of household garbage by mistake, even insisting on carrying then into their back room to help out!

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.

Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested.
"Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldozer!

Q: What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
A: Their middle name!

Q: Why didn’t the banana snore?
A: He didn’t want to wake up the rest of the bunch.

Q: How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
A: With a pair of Caesars.

Q: What do you call scared dinosaurs?
A: Nervous Rex!

Q: What happens when you disagree with a skunk?
A: It raises a stink!

Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesperson.

"That depends," he said. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."

"Let’s see the $2.00 model," said Morris the miser.

The salesperson put the device around Morris’ neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.

"How does it work?" , asked Morris.

"For $2.00 it doesn’t work," the salesperson replied. "But when people see it on you, they’ll talk louder."