The Fabulous Friday Funnies

I just had a visit to a year 4 class and they were talking about the breaking news that we had a new Prime Minister. When I asked if they knew the person’s name a little girl responded hesitantly "Um… Jule, Julie, Julia, Julia….Um Gill, Gill, Julia Gill???" when one of the boys piped up to help out very excitedly, "Julia Caesar"

Irishman takes his goldfish to the vet, says its got epilepsy.

The vet says "it looks calm enough to me"

Paddy says "I haven’t taken it out the bowl yet!"

Here’s another true story

I was administering the K10 Depression Tool (it’s a set of 10 questions that quickly measures the level of depression the interviewee is experiencing) to an elderly farmer earlier this month at FarmFest and all was going quite well until the 10th question … which asks "Do you have trouble with bad thoughts?"

He pondered the question for a second or two, looked around to check that no one was listening, leaned closer and said quietly … "Do you mean naughty thoughts?"

Naturally I gave him the all clear on the depression test … a man still having naughty thoughts at his age is certainly not suffering from depression!

While having their evening dinner together, a little girl looked up at her father and asked, "Daddy, you’re the boss in our family, right?"

The father was very pleased to hear it and confidently replied, "Yes my little princess."

The girl then continued, "That’s because mommy put you in charge, right?"

Some gentle thoughts

  • Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
  • A penny saved is a government oversight.
  • The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
  • Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
  • The easiest way to find some thing lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case, I was sitting in a courtroom, answering questions from both sides. The assistant district attorney asked such questions as: Had I ever been mugged? Did I know the victim or the defendant?

The defense attorney took a different approach, however. "I see you are a teacher," he said. "What do you teach?"

"English and theater," I responded.

"I guess I better watch my grammar," the defense attorney quipped.

"No," I shot back. "You better watch your acting."

When the laughter in the courtroom died down, I was excused from the case.

Q. What’s the crispy skin on roast duck called?
A. Quackling.

Soon after we were married, my husband, Paul, stopped wearing his wedding band.

"Why don’t you ever wear your ring?" I asked.

"It cuts off my circulation," Paul replied.

"I know," I said. "It’s supposed to."

Your story about the old man in the first aid class reminded me of some experiences I have had myself while teaching first aid.

In one class I had earlier talked about anaphylaxis (sever allergic reaction) and was discussing the signs and symptoms for another condition when one of the people in the class asked "What about if they are in prophylactic shock?" (I assume she must have meant a sever allergic reaction to rubber perhaps?)

Another time I was demonstrating the technique for treating a fractured leg (which basically involves tying the legs together, using the uninjured leg as a splint for the broken one) The demonstration "casualty" happened to be a young (and attractive) female nursing student. I had rolled some up some rags to place between her legs as padding between the knees and ankles, and without thinking made a comment to the effect that I was making the rags into a sort of sausage shape.

One of the guys in the class promptly said, "So you’re going to put a sausage between her legs." While I was still stunned, the "casualty" said, "I’ve never had one as big as that before" I was laughing so hard it was a couple of minutes before I could continue the class. Now I am VERY careful about the terms I use to describe things…

Q: What do you call a person who takes care of lemons?
A: A lemon aide.

Q: What do you call two birds in love?
A: Tweethearts.

Q: What do you call a dinosaur in cowboy boots?
A: Tyrannosaurus Tex!

Q: Why would the guy change into a werewolf if you pulled down his pants?
A: Because there was a full moon!

Q: Do dads always snore?
A: No, only when they are asleep!

Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don’t know son, I’m still paying for it.

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I’m out."

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It’s postdated six years from now."