A couple are lying in bed. The man says, ‘I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.’ The woman replies, ‘I’ll miss you…’
Q: How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder ‘Instruction Manuals’
“There’s always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says, “Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, I’d fight him.” As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry. –Larry Miller
Our school was giving out plastic bags for children to take home to fill with clothes, blankets etc. to support a charity called ‘The Smith Family.’ One little boy in my class declared loudly that he didn’t need a bag because his mother already gave things to the Smith family. “Does your mother take your old clothes straight to the depot?” I asked. “No,” he answered, shaking his head in an exasperated fashion, “Mum gives my things to my little friend called Jack Smith because he’s smaller than me!”
A Real Man
A real man is a woman’s best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down. He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.
He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He will make sure she always feels as though she’s the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.
No wait… sorry… I’m thinking of wine.
Never mind.
A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, “We have absolutely nothing to go on.”
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologised profusely saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”
Paddy tells Mick he’s thinking of buying a labrador.
Fook off say’s Mick, have you seen how many of their owners go blind.
As the stranger enters a country store, he spots a sign: “Danger! Beware of Dog!” Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep in the middle of the floor.
“Is that the dog we’re supposed to beware of?” he asks the owner.
“That’s him,” comes the reply.
“He doesn’t look dangerous to me. Why would you post that sign?”
“Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”
A 4 year old girl was flowergirl at her aunt’s wedding. The wedding party was standing at the altar and the priest got to the part of the service where he asked the bride if she would take the groom for richer or poorer. The little flowergirl piped up in a very loud whisper: “Take richer, take richer”.
A man went to visit his doctor. “Doctor, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?” the man pleads. The doctor rolls up the man’s sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.
“Hello Doctor, could you lend me twenty bucks please? I’m desperate” the arm says.
The doctor says, “Aha! I see the problem… Your arm is broke!”
My mother is a cleaning fanatic. One Saturday she told me and my brother to get down to the playroom and straighten it up. We had had a party there the previous evening and she was none too happy about the mess. As she watched us work, it was clear Mom was completely dissatisfied with our cleaning efforts and let us know it. Finally my brother, exasperated with having to do it all over, reached for a broom and asked, “Can I use this or are you planning to go somewhere?”
Q: What’s another name for undercover cops?
A: Pigs-in-a-blanket.
Q: What is thin and green and has little red wheels?
A: Grass….I lied about the wheels.
Q: Where do you go to replace a missing chess piece?
A: The Pawn Shop.
Q: Did you hear about the shoe factory that burnt down?
A: Two hundred soles were lost.
A true story you may be interested in,.. I was teaching a First Aid Class for some very senior citizens at a Retirement Village here in Gippsland.
One older gentleman in our group, did not seem to be willing to respond to questions about other possible actions, that might be taken, if something we thought might be an effective method of treatment did not seem to be working.
I tried to motivate him by bringing the example closer to home. I said, “come on ‘Harry what would you do, now,.. Imagine you’ve woken in the morning, to find your wife beside you still & unmoving, showing no signs of movement, or life. You decide to pump and breath for her. She is still unmoving, totally unresponsive to your efforts. You have been trying hard, but only for about a minute, Now, what do you think you should do ?”
Harry said, “well first tell me what’s different than normal,…………………… she never responds.”
I was speechless for a few moments, as he was as dry and serious as it was possible to be in his reply !!
I had to call a short break whilst I tried to stop laughing.