"He’s the kind of friend who will always be there when he needs you." –Adam Christing
Guy: Your glasses can’t be bad—you just got them!
Girl: Yeah, but I cheated on the eye exam, so it’s really my own fault.
Guy: That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
Girl: I’m very competitive.
Q. Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
A. Someone told him to get a long little doggy.
It was time for my dog’s annual checkup. Following the vet’s instructions, I collected a stool sample and dropped it in a plastic container before we left for his office.
When we arrived, I handed the sample to the receptionist, who immediately cracked a smile. The container read "I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter."
I was on the way home when the bus was rerouted because of an accident. The bus driver said over the loud speaker that he had to do a big round about but said if anyone wanted to get out and walk a few blocks there might be a bus in front of him that we could catch and cut out some of our wait time Immediately the guy in the front of the bus yells "I’m not sober enough to walk!" The whole bus cracked up.
I was standing at the counter of a cafe watching a family having their lunch while I was waiting to be served.
Suddenly, their young daughter jumped up, knocking the table. The father’s coffee cup tipped straight onto his lap and he jumped up and danced around, howling in pain.
I wondered why both the waitresses were smirking and not helping. One turned to me and declared that justice had been done. When I asked her what she meant she explained that the man had been very rude to her earlier, told her that his coffee was not hot enough and demanded a hotter one for free.
Q What’s the difference between Australians and Yoghurt?
A Yoghurt has culture
And a reply from Australia:
Q What do you call 50 New Zealanders in a paddock?
A Vacant Lot
"For sale," read the ad in our hospital’s weekly newsletter, "sleeveless wedding gown, white, size 8, veil included. Worn once, by mistake."
These 3-D TVs are really great – and eerily realistic. I have one, and during a doco about petty crime and tourists being pick-pocketed I dozed off. When I woke up my wallet was gone.
True story
A few years back my wife and I were shopping with our children, and 5 year old son was acting up and mucking around, much to our exasperation. When it was time to leave and we were walking down an internal ramp to the carpark, he was skylarking and getting in the road of other shoppers and their trolleys.
The looks of "can’t you control your child?" were painfully obvious, so I thought I would disown him and said (rather cleverly, I thought), in a loud voice…"you wait until I tell your father how bad you have been!"
Yes, I thought, that will get me some sympathetic looks instead of the accusing ones. Quick as a flash though, the little b..replied just as loudly… "and you wait till I tell him what you have been doing with Mum!"….touché.
"A new survey found that one-third of married women with pets say their animals are better listeners than their husbands. When husbands heard that they were like, ‘Huh?
You say something?’" -Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday I began a Science unit with my class. I asked them, other than air, what they thought was the most important thing they needed to stay alive. I added that we could only last a few days without this .Their answer?
Weet-Bix!
Little Billy hassles his father to get him a TV for his bedroom. His father finally gives in. One afternoon little Billy comes downstairs from his room and asks his father "Dad what is love juice?’ His father was shocked and goes about explaining the birds and the bees. Little Billy listens with his mouth agape and when the father is done he goes outside looking quite disturbed. An hour or so later the father goes out to little Billy and asks "Son, what were you watching?" Little Billy replies "Wimbledon."
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The second sees his family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eight weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn’t reviewed for another week, and finally has his surgery scheduled for six weeks from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The first is a Golden Retriever.
The second is a Old Age Pensioner.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Bumble Bee with a doorbell?
A: A Real Hum-dinger.
Q: What do you call two spiders who just got married?
A: Newlywebs.
Q: How do you know when you’re at a hillbilly wedding?
A: Everyone is sitting on the same side of the church.
Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.
Q: What are the six worst years in a blonde’s life.
A: Third grade.