Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, ‘Maggie – put your hat and coat on, lassie.’
She replied, ‘Awe Jock that’s nice – are you takin’ me tae da pub with you?’
‘Nay, Jock replied, I’m switchin’ da heat off while I’m oot.’
Two asparagus are walking down the road when one is hit by a car. The other goes in the ambulance with his friend, sits in the emergency room, waits for some news.
A doctor comes to him. "I have good news and bad news. The good news – he’ll make a full recovery. The bad news – he’ll be a vegetable for life."
I don’t know why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.
"Scientists have developed a car that can run on water. The only problem is that the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico." -Jay Leno
I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 82! I’m sooooo happy, because I live at 73 … so it’s not far to walk home afterwards!
The exam question dealt with junk food advertising. The student wrote a reasoned argument about why manufacturers should not be allowed to advertise during children’s programs. However, he thought it would be okay if they advertised junk food during adultery programs.
Here’s a stupid joke
Why do mice have small balls? Not many can dance
Q. What to you call an Aussie who can tie shoe laces?
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway.
Nothing has moved for half an hour when suddenly a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, – ‘What’s going on?’
‘Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Rudd, Gillard, Swann, Kenneally, and Garrett.
They’re asking for a $10 million ransom or they’re going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We’re going from car to car, taking up a collection.’
The driver asks, ‘How much is everyone giving, on average?’
‘Most people are giving about 4 litres.’
One night our dog suddenly began barking almost every night at around 3 a.m.
Irritated and sleepy, my husband, Larry, searched the back yard for what might have disturbed this otherwise peaceful animal.
For three days he found nothing amiss. When the dog woke up the neighborhood a fourth night at 3 a.m. with frantic barking Larry finally snuck around the house through the alley only to discover our quiet neighbor, the last man you’d suspect of wrongdoing, throwing pebbles over the fence at the dog.
My husband demanded to know what he was doing.
"My mother-in-law is visiting," the embarrassed neighbor explained. "If she gets woken up in the middle of the night one more time she says she’ll leave."
Three disabled men, a blind man, an amputee, and a man in a wheelchair, are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled men, the only survivors, are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, but no one shows.
They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the man in the wheelchair;. Eventually they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and en- courages his friends to do the same.
The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he is refused. The man in the chair is skeptical and insists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE!
Now the man in the wheelchair is getting really excited and starts pushing with all his might. He goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold … NEW TIRES!
Q. Where does the General keep his armies?
A. In his sleevies.
Q. What do you call 6 or 7 men waiting for hair cuts?
Q: What’s detail?
A: De end of de dog.
Q: What did the picture say to the wall?
A: "I’ve been framed."
Q: How do you catch a squirrel?
A: Climb up and tree and act like a nut.
Q: What happened to the sun burnt banana?
A: It started to peel.