A speaker was about to address a public meeting when he realised he’d lost his false teeth.
He told the chairman he wouldn’t be able to deliver his speech.
But a man in the front row produced a pair from his pocket and said "Why don’t you try these?".
The speaker tried them: "Too tight".
"By chance, I have another pair, try these".
The speaker tried them: "Too loose. It’s no good, I’ll have to pull out".
"Wait," said the man. "It so happens I have one more pair in my pocket – try these".
The speaker did, and they fitted perfectly. "Thanks very much," he said. " I’ve been looking for a good dentist".
"I’m not a dentist," said the man. "I’m an undertaker."
I met a girl recently, sweet looking, and things went well first time we went out…. we went back to her place and…you know….we became intimate….and I said to her, because she looked sooooooooooo sweet…..am I the first man that you’ve slept with….and she says "Maybe, your face looks familiar.”
Q. What do you call 50 New Zealanders in a paddock?
A. A Vacant Lot
At St. Peter’s Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husband’s marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, ‘Wella, I’ve tried to treat her nicea, spenda DA money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!’
The priest responded, ‘Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?’
Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."
"Police in Cairo have detained an American man who arrived from JFK with two handguns, 250 bullets, swords, daggers, and knives in his luggage. When they heard this, JFK screeners were like, ‘Sure he had all those things but what he didn’t have was bottled water or nail clippers." -Jimmy Fallon
With airlines adding fees to fees, The Week magazine asked its readers to predict the next surcharge they’ll levy for something previously free…
In the unlikely event of loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down. To start the flow of oxygen, simply insert your credit card…
A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the footpath in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS. Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a well attired blonde grinning man.
"Hi there, little girl, I’m Prime Minister Rudd. What do you have in the basket?" he asked. "Kittens," little Suzy said. "How old are they?" asked Mr Rudd Suzy replied, "They’re so young, their eyes aren’t even open yet." "And what kind of kittens are they?" "Labor kittens," answered Suzy with a smile.
Mr Rudd was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens. Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the Prime Minister should return the next day, and, in front of the assembled media, have the child talk about her discerning kittens. So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS" when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, 7, SBS, TEN and 9. Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then PM Rudd got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.
"Hello, again," he said, "I’d love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you’re giving away." "Yes sir," Suzy said. "They’re Liberals."
Taken by surprise, the Prime Minister stammered, "But…
but.. yesterday, you told me they were Labor."
Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open."
"The top prize at the Cannes Film Festival is the ‘Palme d’Or.’ It sounds fancy but it translates to ‘straight to DVD.’" -Craig Ferguson
Dr. Smith asks his patient, "Which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?"
The patient replies, "Give me the good news."
Dr. Smith says, "You’re about to have a disease named after you."
A guy walks into a bar and approaches the bartender, "Can I have a pint of Less, please?"
"I’m sorry sir," the bartender replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I’ve not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?"
"I’ve no idea," replies the guy, "The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less."
Quasimodo goes to a doctor for his annual checkup.
"I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor says.
"What makes you say that?" Quasimodo asks.
"I don’t know," the doctor replies. "It’s just a hunch."
Q: Why is perfume so obedient?
A: Because it’s scent everywhere it goes.
Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
Q: What did the fisherman say to the magician?
A: Take a cod, any cod.
Q: Why don’t you ever see chickens in the zoo?
A: Because they can’t afford the admission.