"President Obama celebrated Earth Day by flying his enormous jet to Iowa to visit a wind-power plant." -Jimmy Kimmel
An "older" gentleman works for a Bunnings store, helping direct customers at the entrance. He’s a great success with customers and staff and everyone loves him. He has an easy way with people, but has one fault. He is always late arriving for work in the morning. When it was time for the manager to call him in for a review of his work, he was full of praise, affirming the staff member, telling him about all the good reports he’d heard about him.
He gently tries to bring up the matter of his lack of punctuality. "You used to be in the Navy, I believe? What did they say to you when you arrived late then?"
"They would say: ‘Good morning, Admiral, may I get you a coffee?’ "
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don’t serve your kind in here."
One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We’re cultured individuals."
True story
My 12 year old daughter sometimes sees me taking the pill each morning and one morning this week she asked me why I take the tablets, I replied "because the doctor has told me I have to take them" she said "are they to keep you sane?"
I replied "yes" which is true in more ways than one…..I have a silent giggle whenever I think about it.
An elderly couple are attending church services. About halfway through the service, the man writes a note and hands it to his wife. It says, " I just let out a silent fa_rt, what do you think I should do?" She scribbles back , " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Here’s a little incident that happened to me last week.
I was teaching three highly intelligent eight-year-olds. We were studying methods of approaching logical puzzles. We
read: In a garden there were four types of trees – elms, oaks, larches and birches. All the oaks were cut down. What would you see? The answer was unanimous: branches.
A man goes into a restaurant. A beautiful waitress comes over to serve him and asks what would he like. He say, "I want a quickie." She slaps him, "Just give me your order, Mister!"
The man says, "I want a quickie!" She slaps him again, "Last chance! What do you want!!"
The man insists "Look it, I really want a quickie!"
Another customer leans over the booth and says, "I think that’s pronounced quiche."
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display.
"Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded.
"The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.
I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings."
"That’s wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What’s the bad news?"
"The gentleman was your doctor."
Meanwhile, somewhere in space, aliens were watching this unusual dance.
KAMATE KAMATE KA-ORA KA-ORA…
The aliens were very interested in what must be going through his mind right at this moment and they wanted to see what would happen if they would take a part of his brain away without him even knowing!! So with the aliens’
high technology, they sent a laser beam down that hit the Kiwi bloke’s head and took a part of his brain away. The aliens then sat back to see what would happen… KA-MATE KA-MATE, KA-ORA KA-ORA…
???WHAT THE???
The aliens were amazed with what they were seeing so they decided to send the beam down and take another part of his brain. The aliens watched on.
KA-MATE KA-MATE KA-ORA KA-ORA…
???WHAT THE???
The aliens then figured these Kiwis must be very clever people even with half a brain. So they wanted to see what would happen if they took the remainder of his brain away and left him with no knowledge whatsoever! So with a push of a button, the aliens sent the beam down, which took the final part of the Kiwi’s brain. Now surely, he won’t know anything at all, he should be too dumb to do anything now?
So the aliens watched on as the bloke with no brains left then started singing, WALTZING MATILDA, WALTZING MATILDA…
A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist’s eyes got big, and he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband!
That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen!
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription."
Q. What do you call an Irishman who lounges about on the deck all day?
A. Paddy O’ Furniture
Q. What do you call a drunk Irishman bouncing off the walls of the pub?
A. Rich O’Shea
Q: What’s the difference between a well-dressed man and a tired dog?
A: The man wears a suit and the dog just pants.
Q: What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
A: Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back.