The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens. "That’s so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" "Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".

"Well, a new study has found that having a cat makes you 40 percent less likely to die of a heart attack. Not that the cat could care less either way, really." –Jay Leno

A young lady entered the Church on the hill, and asked the Priest if he would take her confession, “certainly my Dear”
replied the Priest, “but I do not recollect seeing you here before,” “No” replied the young lady, “I have only recently moved into your city, to work”, “Oh, pray, what work do you do?” asked the priest,

“I am a Contortionist “was the reply, “And may I ask, what does a Contortionist do?” “Well, as it is a bit hard to describe, may I show you?” The Priest agree’d, and the young lady lay on the carpet and began to wind her legs around her body and her head poked out between her legs,

At that moment, Mrs Murphy and Mrs Flanagan arrived at the door, and looking in, Mrs Murphy cried out “Oh Glory Be, look what we have to do for Penance today, and I have a hole in my pants”

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits.

It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice.

‘What do you think?’ I asked.. ‘Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?’

‘Better get a bikini,’ he replied ‘You’d never get it all in one.’ He’s still in intensive care.

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He’d never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat."

While working in the library at a university, I was often shocked by the excuses students would use to get out of paying their fees for overdue books. One evening an older student returned two books that were way overdue and threw a fit over the "outrageous" $2 fee that I asked her to pay.

I tried to explain how much she owed for each day, but she insisted she should be exempt. "You don’t understand," she blurted out. "I didn’t even read them!"

A young man is paired up with a priest on the first hole at the golf course. When they make it to a long par three the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole son?"

The young man says, "An eight iron, father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I’m going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his eight iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don’t know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."

"Mr. Avery, don’t leave it too late. I have exactly the girl you need. Say the word and you’ll meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker.

"Don’t bother," replies Mr. Avery, "I’ve two sisters at home who look after all my needs."

"That’s all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."

"I said ‘two sisters’. I didn’t say they were mine."

A guy and a girl are having a drink together in a bar. The man raises his glass and says, "Here’s hoping you’re in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you’re dead!"

"What’s that mean?" asks the girl.

"That," answers her date, "is an authentic Irish toast."

"Oh. Well, here’s to bread, eggs and cinnamon."

"Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What’s that?"

The girl says, "That’s French toast."

After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F.

Q: Did you hear about the robbery in the laundry room?
A: Two clothespins held up a pair of pants.

Q: What was the reporter doing at the ice cream shop?
A: He was getting the latest scoop.

Q: What has eight legs and goes up and down?
A: A spider in an elevator!

Q: Why did the Sheriff use a ruler when he questioned the witness?
A: He wanted to get the story straight.

Q: Why did the three little pigs leave home?
A: Their father was an awful boar.

Q: What is the difference between broccoli and boogers?
A: Kids won’t eat broccoli.