- Sorry for the flight delays, Europe. We were aiming for London, but it’s hard to be accurate when firing a volcano
- There’s no pleasing the English. The last time they got the Ashes they were over the moon
- Iceland goes bankrupt, then manage to set their island on fire. Insurance scam written all over it
- I think it’s too soon to make jokes about the Icelandic volcano…we should at least wait until the dust settles
- Time for the USA to attack Iceland for possessing weapons of mass disruption
- The last wish of the Icelandic economy was to have its ashes scattered over Europe
I was sound asleep when the telephone jarred me awake.
"Hi!" It was my peppy mother-in-law. She proceeded to rattle on about the busy day she had ahead and all the things that awaited her the rest of the week.
"Mom," I interrupted. "It’s five in the morning."
"Really? What are you doing up so early?"
Wife asks husband, "How many women have you slept with?"
Husband proudly replies, "Only you, Darling – With all the others, I was awake." Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 am to 4 PM
Two IRISH MEN were looking at a Mail order catalogue and admiring the models.
One says to the other, ‘Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue
The second one replies, ‘Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!’ The first one says, with wide eyes, ‘Wow, they aren’t very expensive.. At this price, I’m buying one.’ The second one smiles and pats him on the back. ‘Good idea! Order one and if she’s as beautiful as she is in the catalogue, I will get one too.’
Three weeks later, the youngest redneck IRISHMAN asks his friend, ‘Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the catalogue?’ The second IRISHMAN replies……
‘No, but it shouldn’t be long now. She sent all her clothes yesterday?
Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.
One signs to the other, boy was my wife mad at me last night!
She went on and on and wouldn’t stop!
The other Buddy says when my wife goes off on me I just don’t listen.
How do you do that? Says the other.
It’s easy! I turn off the light!
"It’s always the same with new inventions. I can remember when calculators came out. We weren’t allowed to use them in school. The teachers would say, ‘Calculators prevent you from learning arithmetic.’ I’d say, ‘I’m going into show business.’ ‘Well, you’ll need arithmetic to count your crushed dreams.’" -Craig Ferguson
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence in Yarralumla (the Prime Ministers residence). One is from Canberra , another from Melbourne, and the third one is from Sydney. All three go with a government official to examine the fence. The Canberra contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works out some figures with a pencil. “Well”, he says, “I figure the job will run to about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me”.
The Melbourne contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says “I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me” The Sydney contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the government official and whispers “$2,700”. The government official, incredulous, says “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?’
The Sydney contractor whispers back “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the bloke from Melbourne to fix the fence”. “Done!” replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan works."
"I thought I was indecisive, but now i’m not so sure".
"Trust me, Pluto might be small but it is a lot nicer than Uranus."
This guy goes to a Halloween party with a girl on his back.
"What on earth are you?" asks the host.
"I’m a snail," says the guy.
"But…you have a girl on your back," replies the host.
"Yeah, he says…. "that’s Michelle!"
A bishop was visiting a priest in a remote settlement in the Canadian wilderness. After being shown around the parish, the bishop complimented the priest on the work he was doing. Then inquired:
“But, tell me, my son, how do you manage to survive out here, so far from the support that the church can usually provide for those who labour in its vineyard?” “Oh,”
replied the priest, “I manage. I get by with my rosary and a good supply of whiskey. In fact, would you care for a glass, now?”
To which the bishop responded: “The rosary and whiskey, eh?
Good for you. Well, I wouldn’t say ‘no’ to a small drop, just to keep the cold at bay.” The priest turned and called over his shoulder, “Hey Rosary, bring us two whiskies, will you, love.”
Q: Did you hear about the robbery in the laundry room?
A: Two clothespins held up a pair of pants.
Q: What was the reporter doing at the ice cream shop?
A: He was getting the latest scoop.
Q: Why did the vampire give his girlfriend a blood test?
A: To see if she was his type.
Q: What did the banana say to the doctor?
A: I’m not peeling very well.
Q: Why don’t elephants go skinny dipping?
A: Because they can’t get their trunks off!
Q: What trees do fortune tellers like?
A: Palm trees!