I was reading one morning when my husband came in very upset and asked me if I thought he had put on a lot of weight since last winter. I asked him why he wanted to know. He groaned that he couldn’t get anywhere near fitting his jeans over his hips, much less getting them zipped up.
When I looked up from my book I exploded with laughter. He was trying to put on my jeans!
When my bridge partner excused himself to go to the bathroom, it was the only time all night that I knew what he held in his hand’! George Kaufman.
A couple who were having trouble having a baby went to see a doctor. The doctor gave him a revolutionary new injection made from monkey glands, which worked perfectly. Nine months and two weeks later, his wife had a baby.
When the nurse came out of the delivery room with the news, he asked, "Is it a boy or a girl?"
"We won’t know until it comes down off the light fixtures."
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
Roberta Williams visited Carl the day before he died. She noticed how fat he was getting and said “Geeez Carl, an exercise bike wouldn’t kill ya.”
Three little pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order. "I would like a Sprite,"
said the first little piggy. "I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner. "I want the pork chops," sniggered the first little piggy. Then he said, "No, just kidding, I want a nice big steak." "I would like the salad plate," said the second little piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer,"
said the third little piggy. The meals were brought out and, a while later, the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. "I want a banana split," said the first little piggy. "I want cheesecake," said the second little piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, "but why have you ordered only beer all evening?"
The third little piggy said, "Well, somebody has to go ‘Wee, wee, wee,’ all the way home.
"President Obama is launching a new $6 billion space policy that will ultimately take astronauts to Mars. Of course, it’s $6 billion and $45 if the astronauts have a carry-on."
-Jimmy Fallon
Another delightful quote from Stephen Fry’s Qi TV show:
War: God’s way of teaching American’s about geography.
"The Census Bureau reported that Las Vegas is about to pass Washington, D.C. in population. Of course, there’s a huge difference between Vegas and Washington. See, in Las Vegas, people gamble with their own money." –Jay Leno
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife’s name. He replied, "She called Five Horses".
The man said, "That’s an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?" The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian name. It mean…….. . . . NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"
A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife."Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife’s infidelity."
"Well, I’m pretty much on the road all week," the man test- ified. "So naturally when I am home, I’m attentive to the wife." One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, ‘Can’t you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?’"
A Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a young woman sitting by herself…
Man: ‘May I buy you a cocktail?’ Young Woman: ‘No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.’ Man: ‘Sorry to hear that.
Do they swell?’
Young Woman: ‘No, they spread…
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, ‘You Can Be THE Man of Your House.’
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, ‘From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterward, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?’
The wife replied, ‘The damn funeral director would be my first guess.’
Q: Why did the student eat his homework?
A: The teacher told him it was a piece of cake.
Q: What has ears but can’t hear a thing?
A: A cornfield.
Q: What lies on the ground one hundred feet in the air?
A: A sunbathing centipede.